i'm. in. control. [sort of].

today, we took the first step in taking control of our fertility.  meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist, aka a fertility doc to whip my lady parts into shape.

i was super nervous about the appointment, for a few reasons.  our new doctor is a guy, i didn't know what to expect, i didn't know what kind of invasive tests or other procedures he may recommend, i didn't want to talk about the miscarriages, and oh yeah, did i mention our new doctor is a man?  i'm still wrapping my mind around that.

but boy am i glad we gave this guy a shot because he was kind of awesome.  he made us feel very welcome and comfortable, and he brought up all sorts of things we had never heard from our regular ob/gyns.  did you know that irregular periods and excess hair can be related?  i did not.  did you know that there was such a thing as 3D ultrasounds?  i did not.  and i'm sure in the next few weeks we will learn more and more.

for now however, we get to experience medical procedures i didn't even know were possible.  in the next few weeks we'll try out a 3D ultrasound of my uterus, and timed bloodwork according to my cycle [because when they take your blood matters!] and a timed ultrasound.  i'll be tested for hormone levels and early diabetes.  and i'll find out the shape of my uterus, because apparently there are actually different shapes.

so i have to say i am really glad we went.  i feel very positive about these next steps and feel happy that we were able to access these doctors and have the opportunity and advantage to test the reasons for me being a 'habitual aborter,' as i learned the medical name for what my body's been up to.

how cuterus is that uterus?

but really, today made me feel in control, as opposed to yesterday, when i felt out of control.  yesterday i had to do something i had been putting off for a long time.  i had to call my insurance company to argue insurance bills from our miscarriage.

it's not fun, no matter what you're calling about.  you don't want to hear that you owe money, especially if you thought it was already cleared or you don't have the money or you don't want to fight or whatever.  there are times i enjoy a good argument, but it's never with an insurance company rep.  because the sad truth is they always win.  they. always. win.

but the real truth is that i was putting this off because i knew what they were going to tell me.  and sure enough, it was every bit as bad as i thought it was going to be.  that since you've lost your baby, the tests you had were no longer 'prenatal,' or even 'maternity.'  they are 'sick maternity,' because your baby didn't make it.  and i knew that when i asked the questions, i would have to hear those words.  that we have to pay for blood work and second opinions because our baby didn't make it.  our baby didn't make it.

there's nothing like sobbing to the insurance claims customer care representative on the other end of the phone to make you feel like a loser.  and sure, it's adding insult to injury; just after i feel like i'm getting to a really good place after our miscarriage, we get $1000 worth of medical bills.  now, i realize i am very fortunate to have good insurance coverage and that $1000 is nothing compared to what my insurance company paid, and to be totally honest it's not the money that bummed me out.  it was that conversation. 

i couldn't control having another miscarriage.  but i could control this.  in some small part of me, i thought that if i could convince at least our insurance company that the blood work we had and exams i had done in the aftermath should be prenatal, not sick maternity, that maybe i could take it all back in a way.  that maybe i could make it un-happen.  i could control the medical bills, but i couldn't control losing the baby.

that's not totally crazy.  right? 

all right then.  glad we settled that.

and now i feel even more in control of our baby-making destiny as we work with our new doctor and start finding out what the problem is.  

have a happy weekend...!