a quiet day's thoughts on prague.

it's been a quiet day around here.

i've been thinking a lot about my life back in prague... not sure why or how that was set off, but it's been on my mind all day.

i don't think i've ever really talked about my time in prague on my blog so far.  i'm not going to go into it all now, except to say that it was definitely the best and most influential year of my life.  while i was there, and when i came back, i was doing a lot of writing.  

in my first life, i wanted to be a writer.  writing has always been a strength and passion of mine, and for a long time i believed that i could make a life out of it.  after taking some time off of college and doing some serious soul-searching, i realized that wasn't necessarily true.  i still do love writing, but things have really changed since my freshman year of college, when i thought i could be hired on by some magazine to be a staff writer.  and that doesn't really matter all too much, a lot of things changed in my life to put me where i am now, and i'm glad those things happened because it helped me make sure that i graduated from college.  

but now i find myself, once again, wondering what comes next.  out here in boston i have the opportunity to choose my path, start a career if i want.  but i find myself one more thinking about my writing.  i'm not totally sure at this point if it is something worth going back to or not, but what i do know is that i would be upset with myself if i didn't at least try. 

so, what that means is that i am going to try to take a look at my writing again before i get on the job hunt.  i say 'writing' like that because i am hesitant to classify it as anything in particular: too young to be a memoir, and embellished here and there to be fiction, while other parts are verbatim non-fiction.

but whatever it is, i am planning on digging it out of my past and injecting some new life into it, before deciding if it needs to into a permanent dumpster. 

that's what is going on here, today, on a quiet and cold boston day.

view over the vltava river, august 2006 [taken by yours truly]

friday blanks!

hey all... it's that time again! 

1.  my first memory is [super good question] random flicks of our house in new york, the 'yellow house.'  the red carpet, the couch, drinking apple juice on the couch watching sesame street, my pop coming over on saturday mornings,  just little things.

2.  my first love was complicated.  we were best friends who did everything together, and he was never even my boyfriend.  but we were totally inseparable to the point where he'd climb up my balcony at night just to hang out with me.  the weird part was that it wasn't until years later that i realized i was in love with him.  but my first actual love i had who i dated was my high school/college boyfriend; we were together for five years.  we had some pretty messy times, but when i look back i realize it was all just because we were so young.  i don't know how anyone could marry their first love - you just go through so much before getting to the person you grow up to be.

3.  my very first favorite color was blue, still is!

4.  the first time i really felt like a 'grown up' was when i traveled by myself.  but ironically, it wasn't when i was living in prague and traveling then.  it was when i had moved home and i was flying out to california to meet philip's family for the first time, so i just booked my tickets and paid for them and that was it.  and i felt super grown up [despite the fact that i had been doing that for a year in europe].

5.  the first thing i do when i wake up in the morning is hit the snooze button, then check my email.

6.  the first CD i ever bought was U2's achtung baby. 

7.  my first car was a blue volkswagen jetta, the year they came out with their new body style.  i loved that car.  her name was louise and she only lasted a few short years.

tonight we are heading out to a new place to celebrate our anniversary - yesterday was our FOUR YEAR wedding anniversary!  school this weekend and then it's into a homework coma - LOTS of big projects coming up.  ugh.

happy weekend!

our wedding day

us today

letting go.

yesterday was a rough, bittersweet kind of day.

not only was it 9/11, which i know brings back nightmarish memories for people all across the globe. i know it does for me. but i buried a friend yesterday.  watching his family mourn was heartbreaking, and i know their grief is beyond words.  the service was very nice and we had the opportunity to sit and listen to his family, siblings get up and share their memories of him, which was kind of wonderful, while we all tried to grapple with the conclusion that this was really happening.  he was 26.

but as in many horrible situations, there was a glimmer of happiness.  there is a happiness, for me, in seeing so many of my classmates.  some people i didn't recognize, some people who looked just like i  remember them, which i loved.  it was so awesome to hear how well some people are doing and where their life path has taken them.

for me, high school was another life.  a lifetime ago which included many people who aren't involved in my life today.  but as i was surrounded by people that i spent an important portion of my life with, i was undoubtedly reminded of the fact that these people will never really not be a part of my life.   

i wasn't a big fan of growing up in a small town.  everyone knew eveyone's business and you couldn't go anywhere at all without seeing someone that you knew.  all i wanted to do was get out and leave the people and place behind.  and i went very far indeed, going as far as eastern europe to try to find the truth of my life.  and after years away, when my life path took me back home along with my husband, i didn't have any plans on integrating my past life with my new awesome one.  but just a few week in to being home, a good friend from high school died (yes, another one, this was 3 years ago), and i was thrust back into my high school world.  to put it lightly and briefly, i didn't handle it well.  and this time, i was actually able to enjoy my high school friends company and look back with a smile, somewhat, on my high school life.

but as i slide back from my past life into my current one, i can't help but wonder: how do we integrate  our past lives into our present one?

all these people - an old best friend i've grown apart from, a high school sweetheart, an older friend who got me through my first two years of high school, a boy who i spent a brief amount of time with but who dared to share his soul... while they may not have big parts in my life now, they will always have places in my heart.  and i am finally at a place where i can look back with a smile, and let go of past angers and heartbreaks. 

they don't all fit in to my life now, no.  but they are part of who i am, and many of them helped shape the person that i became, and i carry that with me always. 

just in time for my 10 year high school reunion.

high school blanks.

how appropriate - today's blanks are school themed.  probably high school themed for me today, since high school is all i've thought about all week. 

1.  my favorite grade in school was  either my sophomore, junior or senior years of high school.  had some amazing friends, started growing up a little, and just had fun years all around.

2.  my favorite teacher was  probably one of the teachers i have now, tony robinson,  because his energy and enthusiasm is just amazing.  it's contagious, he laughed and did voices and cursed and got super into it.  i loved it. 

3.  the highest level of education i have completed is  allllllmost done with my bachelor's in political science with a concentration in public policy!

4. school lunches for me were usually  fast food with my girlfriends in the back of my jetta.  loved them.

5. the amount of money you'd have to pay me to go back to high school would be ...well, if i could just do it over again with the same outcome, probably around a million dollars.  if i could change things a little, well, then, i'd do it for $500,000.

6. a few things that will always remind me of going back to school are:  new shoes, backpacks, bookstores.

7.  the first day of school was always  something i loved.  it was always so exciting and filled with anticipation.

i guess high school is just the topic of the week.  and it probably will be next week too - funeral on tuesday. :( 

have a good weekend... til next time!

wolves

hi all. i hate to say it, but i need to get into some personal (and depressing) stuff today.

i woke up this morning to the heartbreaking news that a friend of mine from high school passed away.  out of respect i won't go into who or how or why, but no matter the means, that is the end.

but it got me thinking about bullying and judgment of others. i've seen bullying throughout my life, as everyone else has.  and i have been in both sides of it as well.  but as we get older, bullying takes on different, more complicated and evil forms.  it's not just about making fun of someone's old used backpack, or bad haircut, or whatever kids target.  it becomes about judging people's choices and labeling them, sometimes even writing them off completely.  and the fact of the matter is that  (yes, i know this is cliche) it's impossible to know why people make some of the choices they make.  it's been a journey of life lessons as well as education that i have learned this.  it's easy to judge the homeless person on the corner, asking for money.  it's easy to pass by and not give up the other half of your sandwich or the extra $5 in your wallet.  but how did they get there?  sure, in some cases it could be bad choices - but what led them to those choices?  what past hurt or pain led them to make those choices?

everyone has as path.  i believe that the major points are laid out for you, how you get to those points are up to you. i believe there are some people who aren't meant to be a part of your journey, or perhaps just play a small part.  and those intersecting paths  may be cut off in clean. breaks or rough, jagged, painful edges.  but i guess what i am trying to say is that we should never judge someone else's path.  there are people that are only supposed to have in our lives for a short time, and after that, our paths lead in diffent directions.  they are not for us to judge, just for us to accept and move on.

that's about it for me today.  pretty much listening to this song on repeat today, so enjoy.  and please be nice.

til next time... xoxo