coming out of the [infertility] closet.

pic found on pinterest via look linger love

well, things around the blog are shifting.

i started this blog to share the stories of PI & i.  renovating the house, our travels, things like that.  there were always pictures and stories to share with so many people we love, many of whom are so far away.  and i don't really want to change that, but i do want to introduce a new topic into the mix: our fertility problems.

it's not something we've made public at all.  it's not even something that all of our friends, or all of our family [until recently] knew of.  we didn't tell people we were trying to get pregnant.  we didn't tell many people at all that it took us 18 months to get pregnant, and there was a very big portion of our friends and family who didn't know we lost that first baby.  and there are still yet some members of our family who aren't aware of that we lost our second baby just over a week ago.

it's not that we are secretive people.  we just didn't want to announce to people, 'hey! we're having sex without birth control!' to tell them we were trying.  we figured we'd just wait, and then surprise our family with a happy announcement.  but like many people, we just assumed it would all work out.  it hasn't so far.  i've decided i want to start sharing our experiences on the blog.  it's really personal, and not something i would normally blog about, but i have to say that while going through both of my miscarriages, reading other people's blogs and hearing about their experiences - even if they are total strangers - have been a huge source of comfort to me.  so i'm going to start sharing what we are going through.  i can't promise that everything will be on here - some things are still very personal to us.  but if my experiences can hep bring comfort to one person who has gone through something similar, well, then i'll feel pretty damn good.

so, in a nutshell, here is our fertility story.

***

it all started during christmas season of 2010.  PI was converting my parents' old home videos of my brother and i onto dvd for my parents and family members.  it was such an awesome time... we spent so many evenings going through those old home movies, looking at my brother and i as babies, of our cousins and family members.  well, the young versions of my brother and i had quite the influence on us, and by the time the home video was on dvd we had decided we would start trying for a baby of our own.  we considered it a good omen that my next cycle would begin on new year's day of 2011, and we happily embarked on our adventure.

we didn't want to use ovulation kits, basal body thermometers or anything else.  we thought we'd just pull the goalie and see if we could score.  a year passed, and it was a busy year - i decided to go back to school, started volunteering for the obama campaign, and did tons of house improvements.  so it wasn't too big of a deal that by the end of the year, there was no baby.  my doctor said we shouldn't worry yet, and said that if there was no baby by june she would recommend some testing, just to be sure.  that would mark eighteen months of 'trying.'

so it was with absolute joy that, by the end of my maycation last year, i was pregnant.  we went to my doctor's office, got confirmation of the pregnancy through bloodwork, then went home to wait until it was time for ultrasounds and other fun things.  but, as quickly as the news came, it was gone.  in no time it all i had started spotting and cramping, and just a few days after we had the good news i knew in my heart i was having a miscarriage.  it was over in just a few days, and luckily everything passed naturally and i didn't need any medication or a d&c.  but we did, however, learn that i am rh negative, and quickly learned about rhogam and how necessary it is for rh negative mothers-to-be, and i got my first rhogam treatment at the hospital.

it was a really difficult time for us [and when i wrote this depressing blog post].  we were told over and over how common miscarriage is, that it was a positive sign that i could at least get pregnant, and that most mothers who miscarry go on to have healthy, full-term babies for their next pregnancy.  so we got back to trying as soon as we could, and we felt positive.  i would have been due at the end of february, which meant i would have been seven months pregnant while finishing school - which would have been rough for me [and, let's be honest, probably just as rough for PI].  the timing just wasn't right for us.  we felt that even moreso when we made the decision to move to boston, knowing that it would have been so hard to go through all of that with a very pregnant alaina and to have a baby out here without any doctors i knew.

but we also knew that the timing was perfect for us now that we were out from boston.  with me freelancing from home, PI working from home between travels and no more school, it was the perfect time for us to get pregnant.  PI's philosophy was always that there was nothing wrong, but that we were under too much stress at home and once that stress dissipated we would conceive in no time.

and he was kind of right.  within a month of moving into our new place, i was pregnant again.  i knew it as soon as we got back from our la trip in february, but we didn't find out for sure until we were alone for our weekend getaway in montreal a week later.  the joy we both felt was absolutely amazing - even when PI had to stop five or six times so i could go to the bathroom on the drive home from montreal :]

as soon as we got back to boston, we started calling doctors [i hadn't yet found a new once since the move] to get in asap.  we explained that we were very eager to get in to confirm the pregnancy and hopefully have an ultrasound, and we found an office that would take us in quickly.  our ultrasound was fine, blood work was fine, and we were sent home with happy hearts to wait.  we were told that i wasn't as far along as i had thought, but everything still looked normal.  there was no detectable heartbeat yet, which was to be expected, and we were told to come back in two weeks.  my hcg levels were doubling and i had no troublesome symptoms, unlike my last pregnancy.  we told my mom [who had to move up her wedding, since her november date was two days away from my due date!], my dad figured it out, and we were counting the days until we could tell my family in new york and PI's family in vegas in just a few weeks.

two weeks later, we returned for our ultrasound feeling nervous but very positive.  my breasts hurt, my food habits had made a complete 180, i had morning sickness [at night for some reason], all the good, normal symptoms.  so we were pretty caught off guard when our little baby still had no heartbeat.  the doctor told us to come back again in five days, saying that it could be just 'one day too soon' to hear a heartbeat, but that it didn't look good.  we were told it was most likely not a viable pregnancy, but wouldn't be given that diagnosis until a follow-up ultrasound and blood work was taken.

we went home and mourned.  although we didn't have our diagnosis yet, we knew what was coming.  no bleeding or cramping or anything scary happened in the five days we waited, but all the same i knew in my heart once more that this was not our baby.  and sure enough, five days later we were told just that.  the only choice left was to decide if we wanted to wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally [which it inevitably would, though who knows in how long], take medication to induce the miscarriage, or have a d&c.  it was an agonizing decision and the experience was without a doubt the worst in my life, but once more, just as the news of the baby came, it was gone.

***

so.  that's where we are today.  we've had lots of blood taken for chromosomal analysis to see if we can learn why two otherwise perfectly healthy and young hopeful parents have had two heartbreaking losses.  i don't know what the next step is, but we will continue to heal while we figure out what is next.  and i will update you all from time to time, and i hope that, in doing this, i can bring some measure of comfort and help to people who may have gone through or are going through the same thing.  because i now know that you are not alone, and what you are feeling is perfectly valid.  fertility challenges make for a rough road, but though there are many different roads to parenthood, they all lead to the same place eventually.  

til next time...  

what's been going on vol II.

yesterday i finally [and quickly!] debriefed on my sister-in-law's visit.  just four short days after she left, we flew off to nyc for some family time, mostly for two reasons:  first off, a family wedding; second off, meeting my new nephew! 

the weekend was amazing, and such a whirlwind.  i started this post like 4 times, each time with more photos than the last.  i seriously have over 200 photos of this weekend, i will try to do 1-2 photo summation of each day.

day one
so the most amazing thing happened on day one of our trip.  i met my nephew for the first time.

this is the first picture ever taken of me and my first nephew the first time i held him.  the most amazing feeling.  i truly looked at him and just fell in love.  it's not the best picture of the two (or three) of us from that day, but just has to be included because it totally changed me. 

the rest of the day was pretty kick ass too - got to see my godmother's GORGEOUS remodeled city apartment [finally homeowners - an amazing feat in the city!] and saw an old friend that we studied abroad with for dinner.  we enjoyed many margaritas tacos at diablo royale it the village, and drinks at our usual pub on hudson st.

us on the rooftop patio at my godmother's new house

us with steve, our great friend from prague

[yes, i broke my own 1-2 picture rule on the first day.  but had to share that rooftop pic!]

day two
wandering around the city is always a great day.  we shopped through soho, sifted through a flea market in the village, and met up with PI's family, my mother- and sister-in-law.  we even picked up PI a new suit at topshop for his promotion [20% for students? yes please!].

after the leisurely part of the day, we sped to uniondale for the family dinner before the wedding.  it was so awesome to see so many family members we haven't seen in a while, and dinner was such a blast.

us with oma, who we haven't seen in 4 years!

day three
hooray - wedding day!  we slept in, ate at an awesome east coast diner [there's nothing like them], relaxed and then enjoyed a beautiful wedding.

me and my date

the beautiful bride

 day four
after the wedding festivities were through, we got to spend another relaxing day at home with little jack.  we took him for a walk and had breakfast, then headed into the city with my godmother for a lovely french meal at lyon.  we met some of my godmother's friends, who have become like friends and family to philip and i.  they are such awesome people and have done so much for us. 

kind of like this look for PI.

afternoon in jefferson square.

 day five
last day of the trip :(  and we spent the entire day with captain jack.

when my cousin n - who is like my sister [which is why her son is considered my nephew] - were growing up, my mom took so many pictures of us that she made us a book of just pictures of the two of us.  so now that she has a baby of her own, we thought we should take some pictures of us plus jack for our book.  so here are my favorite shots.

my gorgeous cousin, who has become even more beautiful in motherhood

we didn't even plan this - just kissed him at the same time.

just staring at him and smiling. so amazed at all the love there is for this little tiny baby.

and that truly was our whirlwind trip, but amazing.  can't wait to head back in december!

til next time...! 

jamaycation + auntiehood!

well, it’s been back to the real world for me!  we got back home from jamaica late last night – what an amazing trip it was.  the trip down to montego bay was a little hellish, but luckily philip & i are so good at traveling together (read: we don’t get frustrated and we keep one another entertained, mostly like little kids) that we didn’t even let our eight hour layover in ft lauderdale get us down – not even when it was raining so hard we couldn’t go outside to get a breath of fresh air… not that it would have mattered because when i did try to walk outside the hot, humid air hit me like being slapped in the face by a hot, wet towel.  gross.
 
the long layover, shitty airlines (never fly spirit!), and bizarre hour and a half drive from the airport to our hotel in runaway bay all proved worth it once we finally got to the resort.  after checking into our room overlooking the ocean, we headed to the outdoor bar to sit down and finally relax.  i don’t know if any drink has ever tasted as great as that pina colada tasted.  we spent our weekend laying on the beach, talking, reading, laughing and sipping any fruit juice we could put rum in.
 
i should say that i am a water person.  i am totally obsessed with the water.  there are a few possible explanations for this – i grew up spending my childhood and all of my summers until recently on our family’s beach in port jefferson.  now i don’t necessarily believe everything about my zodiac sign, but i am an aquarius.  and aquarius are the water-bearers, and usually have an affinity for water.  this could not be more true in my case.  every time we’d go to the beach as kids, i spent the entire day in the water, and even now as an adult i can’t visit either coast without heading to the beach to just get my feet wet.  i’ve never been one of those women who goes to the beach to sunbathe and not swim – you’ve gotta do both!  so needless to say, we swam a lot and even rented snorkels on our last day, which was such a blast.  the best parts of the trip were the moments when it was just philip and i in the water, goofing around in the sea.  or the night we took a bottle of wine to the beach and sat in the beach chairs, in the dark, listening to the waves and drinking wine.  it was so romantic.

view from our balcony

view of the ocean from the pool with swim-up bar!

can't get enough of the ocean...

our spot for three days on the beach

me + my first love - the ocean.

courtesy of rocks on the beach and my camera timer!

saying goodbye - lobby of our lovely hotel

but the most amazing part of the weekend didn’t happen jamaica, it happened about 2000 miles north of the island up in new york.
 
my beautiful, amazing, strong cousin N had her baby two and a half weeks early!  little jack michael arrived early early sunday morning… while i was talking to philip, saying there was no way she’d have the baby while we were gone because she wasn’t due for almost three more weeks.  ha.  here is the picture of the little angel and my newest nephew!

 

i am already officially in love with him.  he's an angel.

one more week of maycation...

FITB saturday

well, yesterday was miserable. and i didn't get to do anything near a computer (including homework!), so today's blanks are being brought to you on saturday.  and today lauren's blanks are love-themed, thank goodness, because right now i am more thankful for philip than ever before.  he's the one that holds my crazy world together.  that being said...

1.  the love of my life is  philip - obvi :)

2.   falling in love is  one moment.  there's that moment where you realize, 'oh my god, i'm in love with him.' it happened to me with philip when we were riding on a bus.  we were headed to the tree lighting ceremony in old town square while we were living in prague, and i was worried we were going to miss it.  he was putting so much effort into us getting there on time, and i remember looking at him and for the first time thinking i was in love with him.

3.  marriage is  so much fun.  i honestly love being married, and some of the most fun we have had is during the last three and a half years.

4. the longest relationship i've ever had was  my current relationship of five and a half years!  we got engaged after four months, the rest we've been married.

5. the key to a good relationship is  communication.  talk, all the time.  bring even the little things that bother you up, and in the end the rest is easy.

6. i feel loved when  someone does something thoughtful for me at the right time.  like when i come home from school after work and philip made me dinner that he knew i would like.  or when people take the time to do things for me when their own lives are so busy and chaotic too.

7.  my favorite quote about love is from my favorite book extremely loud and incredibly close by jonathan safran foer.  it's long - but it's about a boy and a girl who are best friends and talk between their apartment buildings on a telephone made out of a tin can and string:

the strong between them grew incredibly long, so that it had to be extended with many other strings tied together: his yo-yo string, the pull from her talking doll, the twine that had fastened his father's diary, the waxy strong that had kept he grandmother's pearls around her neck and off the floor, the thread that had separated his great-uncle's childhood quilt from a pile of rags.  contained within everything they shared with one another were the yo-yo, the doll, the diary, the necklace, and the quilt. they had more and more to tell each other, and less and less string.

the boy asked the girl to say 'i love you' into her can, giving her no further explanation.

and she didn't ask for any, or say, 'that's silly,' or 'we're too young,' or even suggest that she was saying 'i love you' because he asked her to.  instead she said, 'i love you.'  the words traveled the yo-yo. the doll, the diary, the necklace, the quilt, the clothesline, the birthday present, the harp, the tea bag, the tennis racket, the hem of the skirt he one day should have pulled from her body.  the boy covered his can with a lid, removed it from the string, and put her love for him on a shelf in his closet.  of course, he would never open the can, because then he would lose its contents.  it was enough to know it was there.

happy weekend friends :)

"

high high #13

7:20am - arrive at work for 7:30am morning meeting

1:00pm - lunch break

1:30pm - lunch break interrupted, go back to work

4:30pm - leave work to go home, 30 min commute

5:00pm - rush to class that starts at 5pm, show up a few minutes late

7:50pm - get out of class & finally head home to scrounge up dinner and work on the script

8:00pm - come home to candlelit dinner of rice and veggies (delicious!), open bottle of wine, and a pint of my favorite ben & jerry's, all courtesy of my amazing husband philip.  i don't care how bad that ice cream is for me, it's the best.

but really, philip is the best of the best for making everything that is awful wonderful again. 

:) :) :) :) :) 

what i'm thankful for

hi friends.  i've made it to new york and it's been a wonderful trip so far.  in the weeks leading up to this trip, i was a little worried... 10 days is a long time to be away from home when we have SO much to do.  but it's been great, because we have TIME.  time to see old friends, time to laugh, time to sit and talk with family, time to reminisce.

i have a lot of things to be thankful for thankful for this year.  i thought i'd share the 10 things i am most grateful for from last thanksgiving to this one.  i'll try to keep it semi-brief, because i have mashed potatoes with truffle oil waiting for me... that's right.

1.  that i'm surviving school.  i was so worried going into this semester that i wouldn't be able to handle it all.  but i've done decently well in school and have been able to have some remnants of a social life.  some remnants.  but i've also had time to volunteer and spend time on things that are important to me, which has been a real gift.  i will have to juggle more going in to 2012, so this was a good test of just how much i can handle.

2. it's been a good year for friends, both old and new.  i'm thankful that i've met so many new people through school, the campaign, blogging, and other avenues.  i'm also very thankful that i've been able to rekindle some long lost friendships that had fallen by the wayside throughout the last few years.  i love the people in my life and i'm happy to be adding new ones every day.

3.  i'm so, so, so very thankful for our home.  sure, the roof over our heads has been leaky at times (not literally) but when so many people have lost their homes in the last few years, we are lucky that we own such a beautiful house that we are able to make improvements to.  it's our home, and i can't wait to spend the holiday seasons there for years to come.

4.  it's been a rough year for my family.  but i am so thankful for my ever-changing family that is so wonderful in so many different ways.  we lost someone very special to all of us back in february and it's taken my family a while to re-adjust itself to what it means to exist without her.  but we've made some strides, and i hope that we are on our way to a new definition of family.  she was a great woman, a true matriarch that held us together.  we've fallen apart a little without you nanny, but we'll get it together.  we've had some great additions to our family this year - my new aunt beth, my first and most-loved nephew little man, and my cousin's soon-to-be-husband patrick (wedding is tomorrow!).  i'm thankful that i have such loving and supportive parents and in-laws.  i don't know what i'd do without this support system.

5. we have had a few ups and downs health-wise this year, but everyone in my family is strong and healthy.  i'm very, very thankful for that.

6.  i'm blogging while on vacation.  i'm thankful that i have a job that allows me to take this time off to spend with my family during the holidays and my cousin's wedding.  i'm thankful that i'm able to semi-relax on this vacation, too :)

7.  one miracle of this year is the celebration of love during the holidays we get to experience tomorrow.  i can't think of two people more in love than my cousin and her fiance and i just can't wait for the wedding tomorrow.  no black friday shopping for me, just manicures with the bride and my fellow bridesmaids before it's off to the rehearsal.  it's the perfect reminder of what this time of year should really be about - family and love.

8.  our kitties.  they just make me happy.  :)

9.  my husband, the love of my life, philip.  i couldn't do half of anything i do without him.  he's my everything.  a quick story: five years ago it was our first thanksgiving together (or rather our first holiday together) and i remember almost every moment.  holding his hand before dinner, kissing in the kitchen, choking up at the dinner table with our friends in prague talking about how thankful we all were for one another in our lives.  i was convinced it would be the only holiday i'd get to spend with him.  and every thanksgiving, i remember that feeling and i'm thankful that he's the person i spend all my holidays with.

10.  it's been a year for personal growth.  i've kind of figured out what i want to do, i've gone back to school, and my life has a direction.  and i love the direction it's going in.

happy thanksgiving friends.  what are you thankful for today?

xoxo

baby talk.

a few new words i learned made up.  add them to your vocabulary.

baby drunk:  when one is around a baby they are totally in love with for an extended period of time, and one can actually say, 'i want one!'

baby hangover:  when one returns to their state of no-babies-around and remembers life, work, school, career aspirations, travel plans, etc. that get in the way of a baby.  and then one feels bummed out and crappy, such as a hangover feels, for a few days.

these things are usually caused by extended exposure to exhibit [a].

EXHIBIT [A]:

the sweetest baby ever, my nephew ryder.