coming out of the [infertility] closet.

pic found on pinterest via look linger love

well, things around the blog are shifting.

i started this blog to share the stories of PI & i.  renovating the house, our travels, things like that.  there were always pictures and stories to share with so many people we love, many of whom are so far away.  and i don't really want to change that, but i do want to introduce a new topic into the mix: our fertility problems.

it's not something we've made public at all.  it's not even something that all of our friends, or all of our family [until recently] knew of.  we didn't tell people we were trying to get pregnant.  we didn't tell many people at all that it took us 18 months to get pregnant, and there was a very big portion of our friends and family who didn't know we lost that first baby.  and there are still yet some members of our family who aren't aware of that we lost our second baby just over a week ago.

it's not that we are secretive people.  we just didn't want to announce to people, 'hey! we're having sex without birth control!' to tell them we were trying.  we figured we'd just wait, and then surprise our family with a happy announcement.  but like many people, we just assumed it would all work out.  it hasn't so far.  i've decided i want to start sharing our experiences on the blog.  it's really personal, and not something i would normally blog about, but i have to say that while going through both of my miscarriages, reading other people's blogs and hearing about their experiences - even if they are total strangers - have been a huge source of comfort to me.  so i'm going to start sharing what we are going through.  i can't promise that everything will be on here - some things are still very personal to us.  but if my experiences can hep bring comfort to one person who has gone through something similar, well, then i'll feel pretty damn good.

so, in a nutshell, here is our fertility story.

***

it all started during christmas season of 2010.  PI was converting my parents' old home videos of my brother and i onto dvd for my parents and family members.  it was such an awesome time... we spent so many evenings going through those old home movies, looking at my brother and i as babies, of our cousins and family members.  well, the young versions of my brother and i had quite the influence on us, and by the time the home video was on dvd we had decided we would start trying for a baby of our own.  we considered it a good omen that my next cycle would begin on new year's day of 2011, and we happily embarked on our adventure.

we didn't want to use ovulation kits, basal body thermometers or anything else.  we thought we'd just pull the goalie and see if we could score.  a year passed, and it was a busy year - i decided to go back to school, started volunteering for the obama campaign, and did tons of house improvements.  so it wasn't too big of a deal that by the end of the year, there was no baby.  my doctor said we shouldn't worry yet, and said that if there was no baby by june she would recommend some testing, just to be sure.  that would mark eighteen months of 'trying.'

so it was with absolute joy that, by the end of my maycation last year, i was pregnant.  we went to my doctor's office, got confirmation of the pregnancy through bloodwork, then went home to wait until it was time for ultrasounds and other fun things.  but, as quickly as the news came, it was gone.  in no time it all i had started spotting and cramping, and just a few days after we had the good news i knew in my heart i was having a miscarriage.  it was over in just a few days, and luckily everything passed naturally and i didn't need any medication or a d&c.  but we did, however, learn that i am rh negative, and quickly learned about rhogam and how necessary it is for rh negative mothers-to-be, and i got my first rhogam treatment at the hospital.

it was a really difficult time for us [and when i wrote this depressing blog post].  we were told over and over how common miscarriage is, that it was a positive sign that i could at least get pregnant, and that most mothers who miscarry go on to have healthy, full-term babies for their next pregnancy.  so we got back to trying as soon as we could, and we felt positive.  i would have been due at the end of february, which meant i would have been seven months pregnant while finishing school - which would have been rough for me [and, let's be honest, probably just as rough for PI].  the timing just wasn't right for us.  we felt that even moreso when we made the decision to move to boston, knowing that it would have been so hard to go through all of that with a very pregnant alaina and to have a baby out here without any doctors i knew.

but we also knew that the timing was perfect for us now that we were out from boston.  with me freelancing from home, PI working from home between travels and no more school, it was the perfect time for us to get pregnant.  PI's philosophy was always that there was nothing wrong, but that we were under too much stress at home and once that stress dissipated we would conceive in no time.

and he was kind of right.  within a month of moving into our new place, i was pregnant again.  i knew it as soon as we got back from our la trip in february, but we didn't find out for sure until we were alone for our weekend getaway in montreal a week later.  the joy we both felt was absolutely amazing - even when PI had to stop five or six times so i could go to the bathroom on the drive home from montreal :]

as soon as we got back to boston, we started calling doctors [i hadn't yet found a new once since the move] to get in asap.  we explained that we were very eager to get in to confirm the pregnancy and hopefully have an ultrasound, and we found an office that would take us in quickly.  our ultrasound was fine, blood work was fine, and we were sent home with happy hearts to wait.  we were told that i wasn't as far along as i had thought, but everything still looked normal.  there was no detectable heartbeat yet, which was to be expected, and we were told to come back in two weeks.  my hcg levels were doubling and i had no troublesome symptoms, unlike my last pregnancy.  we told my mom [who had to move up her wedding, since her november date was two days away from my due date!], my dad figured it out, and we were counting the days until we could tell my family in new york and PI's family in vegas in just a few weeks.

two weeks later, we returned for our ultrasound feeling nervous but very positive.  my breasts hurt, my food habits had made a complete 180, i had morning sickness [at night for some reason], all the good, normal symptoms.  so we were pretty caught off guard when our little baby still had no heartbeat.  the doctor told us to come back again in five days, saying that it could be just 'one day too soon' to hear a heartbeat, but that it didn't look good.  we were told it was most likely not a viable pregnancy, but wouldn't be given that diagnosis until a follow-up ultrasound and blood work was taken.

we went home and mourned.  although we didn't have our diagnosis yet, we knew what was coming.  no bleeding or cramping or anything scary happened in the five days we waited, but all the same i knew in my heart once more that this was not our baby.  and sure enough, five days later we were told just that.  the only choice left was to decide if we wanted to wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally [which it inevitably would, though who knows in how long], take medication to induce the miscarriage, or have a d&c.  it was an agonizing decision and the experience was without a doubt the worst in my life, but once more, just as the news of the baby came, it was gone.

***

so.  that's where we are today.  we've had lots of blood taken for chromosomal analysis to see if we can learn why two otherwise perfectly healthy and young hopeful parents have had two heartbreaking losses.  i don't know what the next step is, but we will continue to heal while we figure out what is next.  and i will update you all from time to time, and i hope that, in doing this, i can bring some measure of comfort and help to people who may have gone through or are going through the same thing.  because i now know that you are not alone, and what you are feeling is perfectly valid.  fertility challenges make for a rough road, but though there are many different roads to parenthood, they all lead to the same place eventually.  

til next time...