i'm. in. control. [sort of].

today, we took the first step in taking control of our fertility.  meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist, aka a fertility doc to whip my lady parts into shape.

i was super nervous about the appointment, for a few reasons.  our new doctor is a guy, i didn't know what to expect, i didn't know what kind of invasive tests or other procedures he may recommend, i didn't want to talk about the miscarriages, and oh yeah, did i mention our new doctor is a man?  i'm still wrapping my mind around that.

but boy am i glad we gave this guy a shot because he was kind of awesome.  he made us feel very welcome and comfortable, and he brought up all sorts of things we had never heard from our regular ob/gyns.  did you know that irregular periods and excess hair can be related?  i did not.  did you know that there was such a thing as 3D ultrasounds?  i did not.  and i'm sure in the next few weeks we will learn more and more.

for now however, we get to experience medical procedures i didn't even know were possible.  in the next few weeks we'll try out a 3D ultrasound of my uterus, and timed bloodwork according to my cycle [because when they take your blood matters!] and a timed ultrasound.  i'll be tested for hormone levels and early diabetes.  and i'll find out the shape of my uterus, because apparently there are actually different shapes.

so i have to say i am really glad we went.  i feel very positive about these next steps and feel happy that we were able to access these doctors and have the opportunity and advantage to test the reasons for me being a 'habitual aborter,' as i learned the medical name for what my body's been up to.

how cuterus is that uterus?

but really, today made me feel in control, as opposed to yesterday, when i felt out of control.  yesterday i had to do something i had been putting off for a long time.  i had to call my insurance company to argue insurance bills from our miscarriage.

it's not fun, no matter what you're calling about.  you don't want to hear that you owe money, especially if you thought it was already cleared or you don't have the money or you don't want to fight or whatever.  there are times i enjoy a good argument, but it's never with an insurance company rep.  because the sad truth is they always win.  they. always. win.

but the real truth is that i was putting this off because i knew what they were going to tell me.  and sure enough, it was every bit as bad as i thought it was going to be.  that since you've lost your baby, the tests you had were no longer 'prenatal,' or even 'maternity.'  they are 'sick maternity,' because your baby didn't make it.  and i knew that when i asked the questions, i would have to hear those words.  that we have to pay for blood work and second opinions because our baby didn't make it.  our baby didn't make it.

there's nothing like sobbing to the insurance claims customer care representative on the other end of the phone to make you feel like a loser.  and sure, it's adding insult to injury; just after i feel like i'm getting to a really good place after our miscarriage, we get $1000 worth of medical bills.  now, i realize i am very fortunate to have good insurance coverage and that $1000 is nothing compared to what my insurance company paid, and to be totally honest it's not the money that bummed me out.  it was that conversation. 

i couldn't control having another miscarriage.  but i could control this.  in some small part of me, i thought that if i could convince at least our insurance company that the blood work we had and exams i had done in the aftermath should be prenatal, not sick maternity, that maybe i could take it all back in a way.  that maybe i could make it un-happen.  i could control the medical bills, but i couldn't control losing the baby.

that's not totally crazy.  right? 

all right then.  glad we settled that.

and now i feel even more in control of our baby-making destiny as we work with our new doctor and start finding out what the problem is.  

have a happy weekend...!

coming out of the [infertility] closet.

pic found on pinterest via look linger love

well, things around the blog are shifting.

i started this blog to share the stories of PI & i.  renovating the house, our travels, things like that.  there were always pictures and stories to share with so many people we love, many of whom are so far away.  and i don't really want to change that, but i do want to introduce a new topic into the mix: our fertility problems.

it's not something we've made public at all.  it's not even something that all of our friends, or all of our family [until recently] knew of.  we didn't tell people we were trying to get pregnant.  we didn't tell many people at all that it took us 18 months to get pregnant, and there was a very big portion of our friends and family who didn't know we lost that first baby.  and there are still yet some members of our family who aren't aware of that we lost our second baby just over a week ago.

it's not that we are secretive people.  we just didn't want to announce to people, 'hey! we're having sex without birth control!' to tell them we were trying.  we figured we'd just wait, and then surprise our family with a happy announcement.  but like many people, we just assumed it would all work out.  it hasn't so far.  i've decided i want to start sharing our experiences on the blog.  it's really personal, and not something i would normally blog about, but i have to say that while going through both of my miscarriages, reading other people's blogs and hearing about their experiences - even if they are total strangers - have been a huge source of comfort to me.  so i'm going to start sharing what we are going through.  i can't promise that everything will be on here - some things are still very personal to us.  but if my experiences can hep bring comfort to one person who has gone through something similar, well, then i'll feel pretty damn good.

so, in a nutshell, here is our fertility story.

***

it all started during christmas season of 2010.  PI was converting my parents' old home videos of my brother and i onto dvd for my parents and family members.  it was such an awesome time... we spent so many evenings going through those old home movies, looking at my brother and i as babies, of our cousins and family members.  well, the young versions of my brother and i had quite the influence on us, and by the time the home video was on dvd we had decided we would start trying for a baby of our own.  we considered it a good omen that my next cycle would begin on new year's day of 2011, and we happily embarked on our adventure.

we didn't want to use ovulation kits, basal body thermometers or anything else.  we thought we'd just pull the goalie and see if we could score.  a year passed, and it was a busy year - i decided to go back to school, started volunteering for the obama campaign, and did tons of house improvements.  so it wasn't too big of a deal that by the end of the year, there was no baby.  my doctor said we shouldn't worry yet, and said that if there was no baby by june she would recommend some testing, just to be sure.  that would mark eighteen months of 'trying.'

so it was with absolute joy that, by the end of my maycation last year, i was pregnant.  we went to my doctor's office, got confirmation of the pregnancy through bloodwork, then went home to wait until it was time for ultrasounds and other fun things.  but, as quickly as the news came, it was gone.  in no time it all i had started spotting and cramping, and just a few days after we had the good news i knew in my heart i was having a miscarriage.  it was over in just a few days, and luckily everything passed naturally and i didn't need any medication or a d&c.  but we did, however, learn that i am rh negative, and quickly learned about rhogam and how necessary it is for rh negative mothers-to-be, and i got my first rhogam treatment at the hospital.

it was a really difficult time for us [and when i wrote this depressing blog post].  we were told over and over how common miscarriage is, that it was a positive sign that i could at least get pregnant, and that most mothers who miscarry go on to have healthy, full-term babies for their next pregnancy.  so we got back to trying as soon as we could, and we felt positive.  i would have been due at the end of february, which meant i would have been seven months pregnant while finishing school - which would have been rough for me [and, let's be honest, probably just as rough for PI].  the timing just wasn't right for us.  we felt that even moreso when we made the decision to move to boston, knowing that it would have been so hard to go through all of that with a very pregnant alaina and to have a baby out here without any doctors i knew.

but we also knew that the timing was perfect for us now that we were out from boston.  with me freelancing from home, PI working from home between travels and no more school, it was the perfect time for us to get pregnant.  PI's philosophy was always that there was nothing wrong, but that we were under too much stress at home and once that stress dissipated we would conceive in no time.

and he was kind of right.  within a month of moving into our new place, i was pregnant again.  i knew it as soon as we got back from our la trip in february, but we didn't find out for sure until we were alone for our weekend getaway in montreal a week later.  the joy we both felt was absolutely amazing - even when PI had to stop five or six times so i could go to the bathroom on the drive home from montreal :]

as soon as we got back to boston, we started calling doctors [i hadn't yet found a new once since the move] to get in asap.  we explained that we were very eager to get in to confirm the pregnancy and hopefully have an ultrasound, and we found an office that would take us in quickly.  our ultrasound was fine, blood work was fine, and we were sent home with happy hearts to wait.  we were told that i wasn't as far along as i had thought, but everything still looked normal.  there was no detectable heartbeat yet, which was to be expected, and we were told to come back in two weeks.  my hcg levels were doubling and i had no troublesome symptoms, unlike my last pregnancy.  we told my mom [who had to move up her wedding, since her november date was two days away from my due date!], my dad figured it out, and we were counting the days until we could tell my family in new york and PI's family in vegas in just a few weeks.

two weeks later, we returned for our ultrasound feeling nervous but very positive.  my breasts hurt, my food habits had made a complete 180, i had morning sickness [at night for some reason], all the good, normal symptoms.  so we were pretty caught off guard when our little baby still had no heartbeat.  the doctor told us to come back again in five days, saying that it could be just 'one day too soon' to hear a heartbeat, but that it didn't look good.  we were told it was most likely not a viable pregnancy, but wouldn't be given that diagnosis until a follow-up ultrasound and blood work was taken.

we went home and mourned.  although we didn't have our diagnosis yet, we knew what was coming.  no bleeding or cramping or anything scary happened in the five days we waited, but all the same i knew in my heart once more that this was not our baby.  and sure enough, five days later we were told just that.  the only choice left was to decide if we wanted to wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally [which it inevitably would, though who knows in how long], take medication to induce the miscarriage, or have a d&c.  it was an agonizing decision and the experience was without a doubt the worst in my life, but once more, just as the news of the baby came, it was gone.

***

so.  that's where we are today.  we've had lots of blood taken for chromosomal analysis to see if we can learn why two otherwise perfectly healthy and young hopeful parents have had two heartbreaking losses.  i don't know what the next step is, but we will continue to heal while we figure out what is next.  and i will update you all from time to time, and i hope that, in doing this, i can bring some measure of comfort and help to people who may have gone through or are going through the same thing.  because i now know that you are not alone, and what you are feeling is perfectly valid.  fertility challenges make for a rough road, but though there are many different roads to parenthood, they all lead to the same place eventually.  

til next time...  

the little things.

sometimes, after a rough day or two, it's the little things that make you smile.

like flowers...

courtesy of my awesome mom.

or a vanilla latte from dunkin donuts [hey, i'm a bostonian now]...

thanks to my loving husband : D

or a goofy band-aid after getting pricked by a needle...

thanks to urban outfitters

or everybody loves raymond on netlix...

thank you netflix!

or my comfy couch bed...

all of my favorite pillows and blankets.

i've been under the weather and hung up on the couch yesterday and today, but am hoping to make my departure from the couch sometime very soon!  i have a very important plane to catch on friday morning to celebrate the wedding of PI's uncle out in vegas... and while there is no possible way i will be bikini-ready by this weekend, it will be very nice to leave my couch this weekend.  but for now, i will just hang out and enjoy my little things.

til next time...

off the wagon & loving it.

for those of you who read fairly regularly, you may remember that not too long ago i blogged about the paleo diet.

well that's over.

truth be told it's been over for quite a while... about three weeks.  i was on the diet for about a week or so and lost four pounds, but it just wasn't working for me.  i had hoped that paleo would help me with some health issues i had last year, but after looking more into it i learned that it wasn't giving the proper calcium or vitamin D to a woman of my age and health concerns.  so screw that.

now to venture somewhere i don't think i've ever really gone before... my body.

if i am being totally honest - i've just never been a diet person.  i do enjoy eating healthy, and for the most part most of the foods that i love to eat on a day-to-day basis are pretty healthy.  i love fruit, i don't eat much meat and really do enjoy my vegetables.  but on the downside is that i am italian - which means some form of carbs at every meal, and no shortage of cheese either.  and now that i am home all the time, i have really enjoyed cooking new and more complicated recipes, and even baking - which is something i could never successfully do before [side note: now i am only semi-successful].

now, i don't have a perfect body.  but generally speaking, i am happy with how i look.  i am happy with my dimensions.  i am a curvy girl, but in a 50s pinup kind of way [i like to think].  i'm not overweight and have a healthy BMI, so i can enjoy the bit of excess that i do have.  i don't believe that a full life should have too much 'nos' on it... no carbs after lunch, no eating after 8, no fried foods, no sweets.  that's just not my style.  i don't eat dessert every day, but i like knowing that if i see an old-fashioned doughnut, i'm gonna eat that bad boy. 

nor do i enjoy the regiment of having to go to the gym every day.  i love having a healthy lifestyle, but for me that's jogging when it's nice out and hitting the treadmill when it's not [and i feel like it].  it's swimming as much as i can in the summer, and relaxing my body, mind and spirit with yoga.  do i want a bikini body?  bet your ass i do, but i'm just not one of those girls who is willing to give up everything to have it.  and i'm becoming more and more ok with that as i get older.

my weight has never fluctuated a huge amount.  yes, i still have some clothes from high school that i fit into.  but i've gone up a few cup sizes and my ass has definitely filled out.  but i am pretty happy.  i don't believe in scales in the house [much to pi's annoyance] because i think that if you can look in the mirror and like what you see [and of course are healthy], what else matters? 

for the record, i did yoga and ran two miles today.  and i plan on doing it again soon - but after i take the weekend off and eat homemade spaghetti tonight :)

and just to prove i'm not full of it, here's a shot of my bikini body from last may i hid.  you can tell it is very impromptu by my less-than-smiling face. 

tomorrow i will probably wake up, feel fat, and delete this post.  but today i feel pretty great.

til next time...

a very, very good guide.

wedding day with all natural makeup

if you are anything like me, you care what goes into and onto your body.  not so much during sunday brunch when it's time for bottomless mimosas, but you catch my drift.  we don't eat processed foods and try to eat as much organic and locally-grown food as possible.  i am now doing a lot of cooking and trying new, wholesome recipes for us.

about two years ago, i read an article about how eating healthy is all great - but if you are smearing your face with makeup that can include ingredients like formaldehyde and other nasty chemicals that are banned in other nations - it's not all that great.  i decided then and there that i would start using all natural beauty products. considering my decade-plus addiction to sephora and beauty products of all sorts, it was a big change for me.  but i've come to love it, and two years later my skin has never looked better.  my makeup is so natural you could eat it [but i don't, just to clarify].

so you can imagine how happy i was to find this!  it's a purchase analyzer from good guide, possibly the best website ever.  how it works is like this: you take a product you want to purchase, say your mrs meyers rosemary all-purpose cleaner [which i use religiously] or your favorite smashbox luminizer and type it into the site.  good guide will rate the product - on how healthy or hazardous it is for use, the company's environmental impact, and their societal impact.  the best thing about it is that it links up directly with amazon, so you can get a little thumbs up or thumbs down on products you are looking at purchasing right on amazin.com.  but good guide access means you can find out which of your favorite brands supports water pollution, child labor, and other awful things - as well as which companies rock all around.  it's phenomenal.  lately i've taken to shopping around on sephora, but checking out the brands and products on the guide before i buy.  wonderful.

that made me super happy today - so i thought i'd share with everyone!  enjoy and happy [and healthy!] shopping.

til next time...

paleo + photo challenge.

well, i kind of went on a binge there.  between the stress eating during finals, the holidays and parties, my godmother's cooking, not having my own kitchen to cook in and laziness that's really about it.

so i am not just going on a diet like everyone else on the planet now that it's january 2nd.  i am doing the paleo diet.  before you judge me for jumping on the trend bandwagon, there is a good reason.  we are staying with my dad while we apartment hunt, and he and his wife are doing paleo as of january 1st.  so since we are staying here, there is a better shot of us staying on the diet too.  plus, paleo is basically just cutting out processed foods, so it's really just eating healthy [without the carbs]. i am hoping that the paleo diet and lifetsyle will help cure some health problems i head in 2012.

i'm not big on posting recipes, but if i find some food ones i will definitely share.  so far it's been a lot of scrambled eggs and water.

i am doing a 365 day photo challenge with my mom.  the challenge is to take one photo a day for the entire year.  we've started a dropbox to share them with each other.

so here is my 2nd photo of the year:

paleo shopping cart at trader joe's

and if you notice the bottles of wines in the bottom of the cart... it's because we are not giving up booze.  a girl's gotta have some fun...    :)

til next time!