lemony-minty toner diy

yesterday, PI said something to me he hadn't said in a long time.

'why are you so sweaty?'

he had just come home from work, and we were both laying on the couch and decompressing.  i mentioned it was a pretty hot day out, and he looked at me and examined the greasiness of my face.  i thought i had a healthful glow from my jog that morning, but he set me straight.  it looked like my face was dripping with sweat [though i assure you it was not].  but either way, it wasn't a good look.

but don't judge me.  it's hot out.  really, really hot.  it's smack-you-in-the-face, never-dry-off-from-the-shower type hot.  it's that east coast humidity that really gets in your bones, and once it shows up in june [or the last weekend of may] you aren't getting rid of it.  all. summer.  long.

to help combat summer-sweat-face, i like to use a garden tomato toner in the morning and whenever i feel like i need it to freshen up.  but my toner seems to be gone from just about everywhere i can find it, so i was stuck looking for a new one.  but then, after coming across a few recipes online, i decided i would try my hand at making my own. 

my favorite recipe i found was from shwin & shwin, and i made only minor adaptations.


all you'll need is:

1 c of filtered or distilled water
2/3 c cucumber witch hazel [i used thayer's, available at whole foods]
1/2 c fresh lemon juice [took me 2 1/2 lemons worth]
2 tbsp rubbing alcohol
1 bunch fresh mint leaves
a plastic container or jar

directions after the jump ...

jogging through the hood.

i don't know if it's the fact that i now know i have to pull a bikini on in two months, the 90 degree weather we finally have that begs for pools + beaches, or maybe i just woke up from a chub-induced nap.  but i don't feel like i've been taking great care of myself.

i was going through some serious blues for a while.  only in the last month have i really felt well enough to do a decent job of taking care of myself again, including the occasional trip to the gym or jog outside.  of course, then i did this, so i took another break for a while so my knee could heal up.

i know, i'm just full of excuses, aren't i?

but PI made a really great point yesterday [as he always does, the bastard!] - that getting out and jogging might help get my 'creative juices' to flow and help my writing.  i figured it couldn't hurt any, so for the first 90 degree day this summer i went out, bright + early, for a jog.  it was LOVELY.

the best bridge to run over, ever.

what more could i ask for while running?  i live in such a beautiful city.  there were even moments while i was blasting ellie goulding's 'anything could happen' that i caught myself smiling super wide, all alone, while staring at the cityscape past the charles river.  maybe it was some of her water-themed lyrics...

strip to the waist / we fall into the river 
cover your eyes / so you don't know 
the secret i've been trying to hide
we held our breath / since we found out
that anything could happen / anything could happen

or maybe it was just me.  that's probably it.  but i have to say, that's just what happens the first time you get out in the summer.  the sun is out, the weather is hot, the coffee is cold, the hair is up, the sundresses are on, and blogging is done from our loft's courtyard.  not too bad. 

well, that was my day.  it's salads + white wine for dinner over here... i spy a trend coming along.

til next time...

bummer of a rainy day.

because it's 9am, i'm drinking coffee, eating a coffee roll + watching what to expect when you're expecting.  no, i'm not reading it.  i'm watching the cameron diaz movie.  [it's ok if you're judging me, i kind of am.]

the thing is, i've been poked with more things today than most people on any given day.  my morning started with the first round of blood tests for hormonal evaluations, which was a fasting blood test.  no food or anything to drink except water since last night until after the blood work.  oh, and after that little poke + five vials of blood comes the real poke... vaginal ultrasounds to count follicles and check out my lining.  fun stuff before you've had your coffee.

if i'm being honest, i kind of hate this sometimes.  i hate treating my body like it's a lab of some sort, with levels to be tested and photographic evidence to be obtained.  but this is our road, so we are going to go down it and see what happens.  and these are the things we do to have babies.  i just wish it were a little easier sometimes. 

braving the dunkin line at 8:30am outside of boston... it's a danger zone.

treats for being good at the doctor!

that was a coffee roll.  yum.

there are some days i have that i wonder why we are doing this.  days like today, when it's pouring rain and cold, and i'm in the shower at 6am to go have my blood taken and be prodded beyond belief. 

but then i remember a similarly cold and damp day in montreal a little over three months ago.  the nervous excitement when we bought the pregnancy test.  hands trembling when i held it, even though i knew what the results were going to be.  running back over to the bed, trying to slip back in before PI noticed i was gone.  the best hug in my life that i got when i told him what i did.  the daydreams we made up, all day, as we walked around montreal.

and toasting, PI with canadian beer and me with my nalgene full of water, before going to the hockey game. 

and i know, in my deepest heart of hearts, that i would fast every night and have my blood taken out every day, my uterus poked every morning if it meant that one of these days, we will get to actually hold our own little baby.

til next time...

THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

so, we were looking at thailand yesterday, and...

 

yep.  anniversary trip 2013 will be celebrated in thailand.  did i mention we are a little spontaneous when it comes to travel?

how's that for overcoming traveler's guilt?

i am SO beyond excited... i can't even deal. 

rainy morning walk.

i love the rain.  it's my favorite to be snuggled in my bed when it's raining, with our window wiiiiiide open.  i can smell it now just thinking of it. 

but some days [especially those days we are out of coffee because i forgot to go to the market], it is nice to wake up and go for a walk first thing on our weekend.

i love our south end neighborhood, but i think i might love it the most in this spring rain. 
how lucky am i to live here? 

although i'd consider myself a little luckier if i could live in this house, listed for sale.

the rain started coming down a little harder, so we jogged back to the shelter of our loft and vacation plan... we are thinking the rainy season in thailand :)

happy weekend friends!

what i'm up to today.

today's a bit of a slow day.  the new site is at a standstill until i can get some photos, so i'm waiting on that for a little bit longer.  which means i have the day to write and get inspiration for new blog posts + the book.  here's what i'm doing.

reading the best places to swim in the world + where i should go in thailand - that's where we are now thinking for our trip.

listening to until we get there - by lucius.  love it.  get on that shit, itunes!

loving the rain all week + my hunter rain boots purchase.

curious about the counsyl test our new doctor recommended, and wondering if we should do it [+ if our insurance will cover it].  

missing my tuesday shows. i hate summer tv.

dreaming of getting on a plane with PI.  i can't wait to explore somewhere new soon.

not washing my hair that often.

drinking coffee at lunchtime.

super excited for the mfa's free weekend and the 'to boston with love' exhibit showing flags from all over the world that were created for boston.

thinking of my brave girlfriend R as she moves to china - and loving her snapchats from hong kong so far.

wearing my glasses + seriously needing a new pair.  i'm lusting after warby parker frames.

currently obsessing about outer space as a result of watching the first star trek.  we're headed to the planetarium this weekend and renting 2001, which i've never seen.  and i literally can not wait.

learning how to take a selfie.  seriously guys, i just can't do it.

pathetic.

what are you up to today?

til next time...

traveler's guilt.

hi there, and happy thursday.  i've been absent most of the week, but not without good cause.  the new blog is getting so super close, and i'm very excited for everyone to see it.  it's in the finishing touches now, i think!  it's been a really fun learning experience for me, even the days when i've cursed my macbook and pulled my hair with frustration at HTML.  but today is not the day for the big reveal, so.

on to new things.

as you know, we've been planning a vacation for a very long time now.  planning isn't even the right word... maybe i'd use dreaming, or scheming.  we've both had the travel itch for months, and along with our five year anniversary this year - well, it's just the perfect excuse for a big trip.  that, and the 120,000+ miles in my mileage plus account. 

so all we really need to do is decide where to go.

coincidentally, that's been the hardest part.

we've been talking about this for months, literally.  since january, to be exact.  we've dreamed of thailand, south korea, vietnam, india, buenos aires, paris, prague, costa rica, italy, ireland + scotland... you name it, we've thought about it for this trip.  and i don't know what i want.  i want to be relaxed, i want to see the water, i want that feeling i get when i walk out of an airport to a place i've never seen before, i want to drink wine and eat.  but not all of those feelings are available at every place. 

as we've been dreaming of this trip, we've gravitated more and more towards italy + greece, or maybe france + italy.  or just italy and a ferry over to sicily.  but i can't seem to book those tickets just yet, because of this weird guilt that i feel. 

i've been to italy twice now.  venice, rome, pisa, florence, cinque terre, milan - been there.  and as much as i love those places and know there are so many more new places in italy i haven't been that we can explore - the eastern coast, sicily - i can't get over this guilt that i have that i am returning to a country i've been, and passing up places i've never been before.

last trip to italy - cinque terre

venice

the train to florence

i love travel, and i love going places i have never been before - whether it's a new continent, country, or a new city.  so if i go to new places in italy i've never been to before, that's still going somewhere new, right?  but this traveler's guilt is still building up... am i wasting valuable air miles and money on going to a country i LOVE but have been to multiple times instead of going to a place i've never been?  i could use those miles to get to argentina, and i've never been to south america.  but if i'm going to argentina, we'll just be directly north of antarctica, the closest we will ever be - so we shoul see if we can get there.  or we could really spring for a trip to thailand.  or still go to europe and visit new countries like croatia and greece.   

this is how my mind has been working the last few months as i try to decide where to go.  and even though we may have the perfect vacation planned out - a summer road trip down the italian eastern coast ending in sicily - we may not do that if i give in to my traveler's guilt. 

if i want to go everywhere [literally], then how do i justify going back to a country i've visited?  but on the other hand, isn't a vacation supposed to be something to relax and enjoy, so what's the shame in going to somewhere i've been before and loved? 

decisions, decisions.  someone hit be over the head and help me decide.

til next time...

the good ol' days.

unless you live under a rock, you know that the office ended forever on thursday.  it was my all time favorite tv show for sure, and like many other fans i really felt like i had a bond with the show.  so i delayed watching the finale for a few days, thinking that if i didn't watch it live on thursday then it wouldn't really end, at least not for me.  but yesterday was the day that i finally said goodbye.

i could sit here and write about my thoughts on the finale almost all day, but i know no one would want to read that.  in the last six minutes of the show, the characters gave their last interviews of the 'documentary.'  it was touching, heartwarming, and super sad.  but there was perhaps the line that struck me as a person more than anything else, thanks to the wisdom of andy bernard:

"i wish there was a way to know you are in the good ol' days before you've left them."  

i sobbed for a second and kicked my husband's leg on the couch.  we have had this discussion many, many times i feel like.  it's hard to have that level of awareness to know that you are experiencing a moment that will forever be important to you.  and i'm not talking about big ones, like the birth of a baby or marrying your love.  i mean the little things.

for me, it's the time i spent back in prague.  the day philip and i ditched class and spent the day walking through the city, and we bought loose-leaf tea and walked back to my apartment to drink it and talk.  it's the day that my two best friends and i took a plane, a bus and a train to meet our three best guy friends in venice, and we walked down the middle of the street with our giant backpacking bags to our hostel, which was actually a b&b super far out of the city.  it's the time we threw a party to say goodbye to our friend j's last newport cigarette, because that was all he smoked and you couldn't buy them in prague, and his supply from home was gone. 

i can honestly say that i think i have that gift, thanks to my deep-rooted penchant for nostalgia [to a fault sometimes].  the last time our whole crew had dinner before our last night bar-hopping, i had to excuse myself from the table, and parked it on the curb outside the restaurant to cry.  i knew that the upcoming goodbye with people who i felt knew me best would be one of the most difficult things i'd ever have to do.  i knew what was coming and what i had experienced in the past few months, and i even knew that what i would see in the coming months in prague wouldn't be as perfect.

PI and i discuss this because where i have that ability almost too soon, before the goodbyes even come, his is delayed.  very delayed.  it wasn't until seven months later that he finally was hit with the fact that we will never go to those same places with those same people, that it would never be the same.

photo from my good ol' days, with my bestest crew, rome 2006.

but andy's words were just perfect.  and they speak to the tendency of people to look ahead to the future and to back to the past with rose-colored glasses, rather than enjoying what they have at that moment. 

after i heard andy's thoughts and sobbed a little more, more poignancy came.  the last words of the show, again, seemed to speak to me, especially together with what andy had admitted.  pam had the honor of ending the show with:

"there's a lot of beauty in ordinary things. isn't that kind of the point?"

as my girlfriend W put it, those words need to be framed on the wall of everyone's home.  as a reminder to live in the present, to admire the beauty of mundane moments.  because it's there, if you look hard enough.

to hear andy + pam's words for yourself and catch the last few minutes of the office, check out hulu.  and grab a box of tissues.

til next time...

i'm. in. control. [sort of].

today, we took the first step in taking control of our fertility.  meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist, aka a fertility doc to whip my lady parts into shape.

i was super nervous about the appointment, for a few reasons.  our new doctor is a guy, i didn't know what to expect, i didn't know what kind of invasive tests or other procedures he may recommend, i didn't want to talk about the miscarriages, and oh yeah, did i mention our new doctor is a man?  i'm still wrapping my mind around that.

but boy am i glad we gave this guy a shot because he was kind of awesome.  he made us feel very welcome and comfortable, and he brought up all sorts of things we had never heard from our regular ob/gyns.  did you know that irregular periods and excess hair can be related?  i did not.  did you know that there was such a thing as 3D ultrasounds?  i did not.  and i'm sure in the next few weeks we will learn more and more.

for now however, we get to experience medical procedures i didn't even know were possible.  in the next few weeks we'll try out a 3D ultrasound of my uterus, and timed bloodwork according to my cycle [because when they take your blood matters!] and a timed ultrasound.  i'll be tested for hormone levels and early diabetes.  and i'll find out the shape of my uterus, because apparently there are actually different shapes.

so i have to say i am really glad we went.  i feel very positive about these next steps and feel happy that we were able to access these doctors and have the opportunity and advantage to test the reasons for me being a 'habitual aborter,' as i learned the medical name for what my body's been up to.

how cuterus is that uterus?

but really, today made me feel in control, as opposed to yesterday, when i felt out of control.  yesterday i had to do something i had been putting off for a long time.  i had to call my insurance company to argue insurance bills from our miscarriage.

it's not fun, no matter what you're calling about.  you don't want to hear that you owe money, especially if you thought it was already cleared or you don't have the money or you don't want to fight or whatever.  there are times i enjoy a good argument, but it's never with an insurance company rep.  because the sad truth is they always win.  they. always. win.

but the real truth is that i was putting this off because i knew what they were going to tell me.  and sure enough, it was every bit as bad as i thought it was going to be.  that since you've lost your baby, the tests you had were no longer 'prenatal,' or even 'maternity.'  they are 'sick maternity,' because your baby didn't make it.  and i knew that when i asked the questions, i would have to hear those words.  that we have to pay for blood work and second opinions because our baby didn't make it.  our baby didn't make it.

there's nothing like sobbing to the insurance claims customer care representative on the other end of the phone to make you feel like a loser.  and sure, it's adding insult to injury; just after i feel like i'm getting to a really good place after our miscarriage, we get $1000 worth of medical bills.  now, i realize i am very fortunate to have good insurance coverage and that $1000 is nothing compared to what my insurance company paid, and to be totally honest it's not the money that bummed me out.  it was that conversation. 

i couldn't control having another miscarriage.  but i could control this.  in some small part of me, i thought that if i could convince at least our insurance company that the blood work we had and exams i had done in the aftermath should be prenatal, not sick maternity, that maybe i could take it all back in a way.  that maybe i could make it un-happen.  i could control the medical bills, but i couldn't control losing the baby.

that's not totally crazy.  right? 

all right then.  glad we settled that.

and now i feel even more in control of our baby-making destiny as we work with our new doctor and start finding out what the problem is.  

have a happy weekend...!

fail on a thursday.

so, i know that yesterday, i wrote 'be kind to yourself,' but today i am already finding it a little hard.  because today is one of those days where everyone is pregnant.  [at least it seems that way to me.]

i started the day out at my dad's house, where i am staying and caring for my brother while he recoups from surgery and my dad is out of town [it's a long story].   i had to run some errands this morning.  i ran to foodie's to grab some lunch + dinner stuff, and i swear to you i ran in to four pregnant woman.  two in the market, two outside.  and they weren't even all together, they were all doing their own thing.  and of course two baby strollers. 

after, i ran to pick up some coffees for us and pulled into the perfect open parking meter in front of the coffee shop.  and saw this. 

right?  as if i didn't already feel like too much of a failure.  it's hard to see pregnancy everywhere, as i get ready to visit our fertility specialist with pi for the first time tomorrow morning. 

this is all to say nothing of the multiple pregnancy announcements [at LEAST two this week] and births [one] happening on my facebook feed.  and, of course, i am so over-the-moon thrilled for these new mommies and soon-to-be-mommies.  i just wish i was one of them.

sigh.

these days, it seems like even when i put on the tv for some laughs, i can't escape whatever is in the water.  even parks + rec, one of the least romantic-y shows out there i think, had a pregnancy cliffhanger in the season finale. 

i know i am just overly sensitive right now, and i think most of it is due to nerves about tomorrow.  as we meet with our specialist for the first time, we'll mostly just go over medical history stuff.  what we've been through, infertility in our families, things like that [you know, super-fun topics of conversation].  but it's all necessary and will be the means to a hopefully positive end.  i just don't really know what we should expect to hear from our new doctor, our treatment path, what kinds of testing we should brace for. 

but luckily today i can keep it off my mind a little for the rest of the day - i have a brother who is much needing my help, and the office finale on tonight.  honestly, i should say i am irrationally sad about the office ending!  pi first introduced me to the office when we were leaving prague.  he used my laptop to download a few episodes to put on his ipod for the plane ride home.  when i came back after christmas, i watched the few he had downloaded - the first one was gay witch hunt.  i was instantly addicted, and from thousands of miles away we would watch episodes and laugh about them.  i've watched that show as i got engaged, then married and tried to conceive, just as a lot of the characters on the show have.  yeah, i know it's stupid.  but it's like the end of an era, almost like an era of our relationship [me + pi], that is ending. 
 
maybe an era is ending, as we embark on this new adventure with our specialist tomorrow.  we'll hear his opinion and see what happens...

before i go i want to say i am still hard at work on changes to the blog!  i can't wait to roll out my changes, hopefully by june 1st. 

til next time - be happy :)

be kind to yourself.

some days are harder than others.  and i have to say, there are some days where it is hard for me to be positive about myself and my body... after all the crap it's put me through.  so on those days, a little dose of positivity goes a looooong way.  like this lovely song from she & him, entitled 'me and you.'

well i'm back in your good graces again / remember when you told me / that i was your only friend / well you made the best of this life / where you never knew / one day from the next / dig your heels in a little girl / put them to the test / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / well i heard you had the blues again / seems like all those little things / add up in the end / well i know that you heard a lot about / things you can't control / so many things we like to have / we just cannot hold / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself

and if that doesn't help, you can always go to the nicest place on the internet and get a hug. 

hope you are having a most excellent day!

til next time...

thoughts on momma's day.

it's mother's day, which means that everyone in the world is professing their love and appreciation for the mothers in their life.  sure, lots of people may gripe and say it's an invented holiday to sell cards and flowers, but who cares?  there's nothing wrong with taking a day to honor all the moms around us.  mothers can be very under-appreciated people in my opinion.  but i think that i have more mothers than most people in their life.  every has a mother, but not everyone has a step-mother, or a mother-in-law, or a step-mother-in-law, or a godmother they consider their second mother.  but i have all five, of course.  what a lucky lady i am :] 

i have a parade of inspirational women around me in different mothering roles.  from my mom, who has given me the greatest example in the world of unconditional love and acceptance, who flies out to visit me when i am sad during the middle of the week [ok, it was just once, but still it was pretty epically amazing of her], who laughs and cries with me constantly.  she's my best girlfriend in the world.  i was given my godmother, who has always been so amazing as to love me as her own, and steps in as my mom when my own mom is far away, and who i have more in common with i realize as i grow older.  i always appreciate my step-mother, who never jumped right in to a marriage that came with two adult kids, and has been a wonderful influence and role model for me.  and if that wasn't enough, i was blessed with a mother-in-law who has always accepted me, from the first time we met over shots of absinthe, and who has always has a listening ear for me and is one of the most fun and understanding women i know.  i was also lucky enough to get a step-mother-in-law, who isn't afraid to share her advice with me when i need it most and has shown me how to be a wonderful hostess.

and, of course, i have some pretty amazing new mothers to be around.  i am always so amazed at how they have all figured things out and make it all look so easy. 

 

 now, i don't want to put a downer on mother's day, but today [as almost any day] makes me think of the babies we've lost.  we've had two miscarriages since last mother's day, and i can't help but think a little bit of what this mother's day would be like if we hadn't had those experiences.  mother's day can be hard for those of us who have recently lost pregnancies, and those who are having a very difficult time on their road to motherhood.  but remember - we can all get there.  the roads we all take may be different, but we can all get to the same place... motherhood.

now go hug a mom [or eight] in your life and be thankful for all these strong, inspirational women! 

til next time...

high high #35

this could be the best high high ever, the highest of my highs...

getting a little goofy after brunch at le grande [where else] + drinks at crave.

my bestest of my best friends: r, w, me + j.

otherwise known as: samantha, miranda, carrie + charlotte  : )

i have loved spending time with these girls so much i am trying to scrape together some funds to stay another week... if only!  i know i've been pretty much mia during my visit here, but as much as i love blogging, i love playing outside with my family + friends even more.  so the blogging has been put o hold, but boy do i have a lot to say!  and also i have been working on lots and lots of changes for the blog, which i am hoping to roll out semi-soon.

so keep stopping by, and i'll be back in a day or two - unless i get to stay in denver another week ; )

til next time!

denver update.

well, it's day three of our week-plus visit to colorado.  it's been a very fun-filled few days, but yesterday was notable for one big reason.

we went back to our house for the first time since we moved out of it and our tenants moved in.

it was a very strange experience to walk into our [old] home that we spent so much time painting, decorating, fixing [and even buying!] and seeing someone else has made it their own.  i definitely miss the house.  there are so memories behind every corner... the paint party we had when we first ditched the yellow downstairs, painting the hallway upstairs while i was home after our first miscarriage, the hundreds of headaches we dealt with remodeling the upstairs bathroom, and that's just work we've done.  all the dinners and friends we've hosted, our annual christmas parties. 

it was our first house.  and i've said it before and i'll say it again, but most of the time pi and i feel like we could live anywhere.  even now, as we've walked the streets of lodo and hit some of our favorite spots, we've said we miss it. but really, i miss our house.  if we could just pick it up and take it along with us to massachusetts, to california, to wherever we decide to move to, it would be pretty much the best.  although a lot of times we thought about it as our starter house, our five-year-plan house, there was a part of me that seriously thought we'd keep it forever.  it was big enough, with four bedrooms and two bathrooms and a huge backyard and room to expand.  but no matter how much i love that house, i can't move it anywhere else with us, unfortunately.  it stays here, without us. 

moving day, december 2012

the rest of the trip has really been wonderful.  with all of the time i have, ive gotten the chance to just hang out with friends.  no rush, no cramming visits into every moment of the day, lots of time to relax... just what we wanted here. 

til next time...

hello there from [snowy] colorado.

that's right, you heard me: snowy colorado.  because it's may first, so obviously that means it's time for a good ol-fashioned spring snow.  though we arrived early tuesday, today is our first full day here since we were nearly dead from jet lag for most of yesterday. 

i wanted to tell you all sorry now and in advance for the absence from my blog.  there are some pretty big changes i am hard at work on for the blog, so do stay tuned.  i'll definitely be blogging but i am mostly hard at work at revamping... well, just about everything to be honest.  it's getting a big-time makeover.  here's a little hint at what i am working on [just a little clue!]:

but besides working hard on the new blog, here's what's been going on in colorado so far.

hanging out with my favorite puppy, brew.

hanging out with my favorite girls.

watching it snow.  what.  the.  hell.

hope it's nicer where you are than where i am today...

til next time...!