jogging through the hood.

i don't know if it's the fact that i now know i have to pull a bikini on in two months, the 90 degree weather we finally have that begs for pools + beaches, or maybe i just woke up from a chub-induced nap.  but i don't feel like i've been taking great care of myself.

i was going through some serious blues for a while.  only in the last month have i really felt well enough to do a decent job of taking care of myself again, including the occasional trip to the gym or jog outside.  of course, then i did this, so i took another break for a while so my knee could heal up.

i know, i'm just full of excuses, aren't i?

but PI made a really great point yesterday [as he always does, the bastard!] - that getting out and jogging might help get my 'creative juices' to flow and help my writing.  i figured it couldn't hurt any, so for the first 90 degree day this summer i went out, bright + early, for a jog.  it was LOVELY.

the best bridge to run over, ever.

what more could i ask for while running?  i live in such a beautiful city.  there were even moments while i was blasting ellie goulding's 'anything could happen' that i caught myself smiling super wide, all alone, while staring at the cityscape past the charles river.  maybe it was some of her water-themed lyrics...

strip to the waist / we fall into the river 
cover your eyes / so you don't know 
the secret i've been trying to hide
we held our breath / since we found out
that anything could happen / anything could happen

or maybe it was just me.  that's probably it.  but i have to say, that's just what happens the first time you get out in the summer.  the sun is out, the weather is hot, the coffee is cold, the hair is up, the sundresses are on, and blogging is done from our loft's courtyard.  not too bad. 

well, that was my day.  it's salads + white wine for dinner over here... i spy a trend coming along.

til next time...

be kind to yourself.

some days are harder than others.  and i have to say, there are some days where it is hard for me to be positive about myself and my body... after all the crap it's put me through.  so on those days, a little dose of positivity goes a looooong way.  like this lovely song from she & him, entitled 'me and you.'

well i'm back in your good graces again / remember when you told me / that i was your only friend / well you made the best of this life / where you never knew / one day from the next / dig your heels in a little girl / put them to the test / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / well i heard you had the blues again / seems like all those little things / add up in the end / well i know that you heard a lot about / things you can't control / so many things we like to have / we just cannot hold / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself / you gotta be kind to yourself

and if that doesn't help, you can always go to the nicest place on the internet and get a hug. 

hope you are having a most excellent day!

til next time...

thoughts on momma's day.

it's mother's day, which means that everyone in the world is professing their love and appreciation for the mothers in their life.  sure, lots of people may gripe and say it's an invented holiday to sell cards and flowers, but who cares?  there's nothing wrong with taking a day to honor all the moms around us.  mothers can be very under-appreciated people in my opinion.  but i think that i have more mothers than most people in their life.  every has a mother, but not everyone has a step-mother, or a mother-in-law, or a step-mother-in-law, or a godmother they consider their second mother.  but i have all five, of course.  what a lucky lady i am :] 

i have a parade of inspirational women around me in different mothering roles.  from my mom, who has given me the greatest example in the world of unconditional love and acceptance, who flies out to visit me when i am sad during the middle of the week [ok, it was just once, but still it was pretty epically amazing of her], who laughs and cries with me constantly.  she's my best girlfriend in the world.  i was given my godmother, who has always been so amazing as to love me as her own, and steps in as my mom when my own mom is far away, and who i have more in common with i realize as i grow older.  i always appreciate my step-mother, who never jumped right in to a marriage that came with two adult kids, and has been a wonderful influence and role model for me.  and if that wasn't enough, i was blessed with a mother-in-law who has always accepted me, from the first time we met over shots of absinthe, and who has always has a listening ear for me and is one of the most fun and understanding women i know.  i was also lucky enough to get a step-mother-in-law, who isn't afraid to share her advice with me when i need it most and has shown me how to be a wonderful hostess.

and, of course, i have some pretty amazing new mothers to be around.  i am always so amazed at how they have all figured things out and make it all look so easy. 

 

 now, i don't want to put a downer on mother's day, but today [as almost any day] makes me think of the babies we've lost.  we've had two miscarriages since last mother's day, and i can't help but think a little bit of what this mother's day would be like if we hadn't had those experiences.  mother's day can be hard for those of us who have recently lost pregnancies, and those who are having a very difficult time on their road to motherhood.  but remember - we can all get there.  the roads we all take may be different, but we can all get to the same place... motherhood.

now go hug a mom [or eight] in your life and be thankful for all these strong, inspirational women! 

til next time...

REAL life, unedited.

a great reminder for today.

guys, i read this today and i LOVED it.  it's on instagram's envy effect.  oh wait, here's yet another link to it.  because.  it.  kicks.  ass.

if you aren't going to read it, here's a little summation.  it's about the snippets of lives that we see on the internet.  and about what we edit out of our status updates, what's just out of the corner of that square crop on your photo.  it's incomplete.  they are moments that are highs, which is why we want to share them.

but what about all the other moments?  the photo may be of the great outfit you picked out today, but what about the days you don't get out of your sweatpants?  niequst [the author] also points out the happy couples that don't share their fighting, or the great meal you made but not the mess to be cleaned up. 

again, these are the moments to be shared.  no one wants to see your dirty dishes.  no one wants to see you in sweatpants [i mean this mostly to myself, as a reminder].  the things you want to share with other people - and strangers in some cases - are the highlights of your life, of the things you do.

but the result?  it's that everyone lives perfect lives without those tense, awkward, heartbroken moments.  that spouses don't fight, that chicken doesn't get burnt, that you don't have bad hair days.  it's just not realistic.  and part of the point of increased networking is to be there for one another, is it not?  to share in times of joy and triumph, but also help one another when things aren't going their way. 

there are days that this social-media-filter really effects me.  days when i would get a negative pregnancy test yet again, and hop online to see four more girls who went to my high school were pregnant.  days when i would feel so fat, being unable to get my skinny jeans to make me look skinny thanks to my fat bulge, but would see a girlfriend in a bikini with her perfect flat belly.  days when i would be feeling a little lazy, just lounging around with the tv, and would see a facebook friend out in front of the coliseum.  it makes you feel bad.  people have topped documenting their struggles, and the result is facebook news feeds and pinterest home pages and instagram shares filled with just successes.  and if you are down, it's easy to be knocked further down looking at what everyone else has and you don't.

i know i am guilty sometimes.  i look at it as sharing my high points, the things people will be interested in.  and fights i may have with pi, well, those are personal.  but i try to branch out, too.  i recently started sharing about our infertility issues, i blogged about the outrageous stress of going back to school while working and volunteering.  and i want to continue to blog about the challenges i face, as well as the high points i have.  i don't think i'm as bad as some [helloooo, i instagramed a pic of my busted-up knee last week], but i could make some improvements too.  i want to be real with everyone.  i want them to know the highlights as well as, sometimes, the low points.  

i'm making some changes to my blog, and one of the changes i want to make is to be more forthcoming.  to share with you all a bit more of me [yes, there IS more], and to be real.  to share my struggles so i can connect with people and help participate in a community; one in which we share our high highs, but our low lows as well.

post something REAL today.  put it out there, on some social media platform you use.  step out from behind the veil of perceived perfection.  it doesn't have to be a secret, just something real - piles of laundry, or the pizza you ordered in for dinner because you didn't cook a martha-stewart-style meal.  it will be refreshing, i promise.

here's my SOMETHING REAL today:
my blood results from last week reveal that i am still pregnant, according to my hcg levels.  pretty disappointing.  should all be done by now, but it isn't.   so i have to go get by blood taken yet again at the end of the week.  and let me be a little bit more real by telling you that i don't do well with needles in my veins.  i've puked half of the times my blood has been taken since this pregnancy disaster began.  so i don't know where this leaves us or what will happen after i get my blood results at the end of the week, but it's disappointing.  and i wasn't going to share it because... i don't really know.  i just wasn't.





til next time...

#mightylove for some fine women!

i have recently begun following the likes of nat the fat rat, and boy am i addicted.  so this week, as she works to blast the internet with positivity, i thought i'd play along.

it's all for a good cause,  and 500 'mightylove' hashtags [#mightylove] equals money donated from go mighty to a battered woman's shelter.  and even if it weren't for a good cause, who wouldn't want to spread some positivity around?  the promotion goes until the 12th, so i encourage everyone to get in board and spread some #mightylove.

so without further adieu... here is my first #mightylove.  it goes out to my sister anne.

love ya, girlie!

the little things.

sometimes, after a rough day or two, it's the little things that make you smile.

like flowers...

courtesy of my awesome mom.

or a vanilla latte from dunkin donuts [hey, i'm a bostonian now]...

thanks to my loving husband : D

or a goofy band-aid after getting pricked by a needle...

thanks to urban outfitters

or everybody loves raymond on netlix...

thank you netflix!

or my comfy couch bed...

all of my favorite pillows and blankets.

i've been under the weather and hung up on the couch yesterday and today, but am hoping to make my departure from the couch sometime very soon!  i have a very important plane to catch on friday morning to celebrate the wedding of PI's uncle out in vegas... and while there is no possible way i will be bikini-ready by this weekend, it will be very nice to leave my couch this weekend.  but for now, i will just hang out and enjoy my little things.

til next time...

gettin sentimental.

i had to take PI to the airport tonight for another business trip.  we are kind of getting used to these little trips, and it's a little less weird now when i drop him off at the airport.

but when i got home tonight, i was getting changed for bed in our room, and i was thinking how much i miss him already.  he's only been gone a few hours, but i miss him being around so much.  i looked over at his side of the bed, which is pretty messy.  and i thought how lucky i am to have his mess around.

see, we did the long distance thing.  and i don't mean we lived a hour away from each other - for almost half of the first year we were together, we lived on different continents.  he was in LA, and i was in prague.  not exactly easy to handle.  and there were times when i didn't know if it would work, if i would ever see him again.  and there were times when i didn't think i could handle the distance anymore, and didn't know what we would do once we were on the same continent, since we would still live in different states.

needless to say, we worked it out.  he graduated and moved to denver so i could finish school, then we moved together out east.  and here we are, almost seven years later.

it's not our anniversary, or his birthday, or anything else.  it's just a wednesday in march when i remembered what it was like to never have him around.  when text messages from him were something special, because it cost so much money to send international texts.  and it's funny, because even if i wanted to get annoyed about his messy side of the bed, i couldn't.  because the truth is it makes my heart so happy to see his stuff lying around on the floor of the apartment we share together.  nothing could make me happier. 

ok, i know that was kind of sappy... but all you couples out there who have struggled with distances, you know what i am talking about.  sure, it's difficult.  but it was also one of the best things to happen to our relationship, because we had months to get to know each other [you really have to be creative to come up with things to talk about] and to build up that trust, and i know our relationship is all the more strong for it.  sometimes we joke about if we would even be married now if we hadn't had months of time apart. 

but even after all this time, somehow i love my husband more now than i ever have before.

alright, that's enough from me for tonight!  go hug someone you love : ] 

falling in love... venice, october 2006

on being cute.

you know what, it's tough to be a girl, to be a woman sometimes.  i was thinking about this a few weeks ago, flipping through the february issue of glamour, featuring zooey deschanel.  she had this little gem to say:

'i'm just for being myself.  there is not an ounce of me that believes any of the crap that they say. we cant be feminine and be feminists and be successful?  i want to be a fucking feminist and wear a fucking peter pan collar.  so fucking what?'

i read this quote from ms. deschanel over a month ago, and i've been thinking a lot about it ever since.  it wasn't until i watched the oscars last night that i really felt motivated to write about this topic yet again: body image.

her quote, to me, epitomizes a struggle i have felt for a long time.  i have always had my own style that i like and that i feel secure in.  but the one time i had a very hard time looking like myself was when i was shopping for a wedding dress.  see, i had decided years before what dress i would wear.  i was maybe in high school or early in my college years, and i was flipping through lucky magazine, and i just saw it.  i wasn't even dating at the time, but i tore the page out and kept it.  so as soon as philip + i set a date for the wedding, the first thing my mom and i did was try on my melissa sweet wedding gown.  when i put it on, i felt like myself.  i looked like myself - not like someone trying to play dress up.  i instantly knew it was the dress.

my dress!

but i struggled for months before finally deciding to buy it.  why?  because everyone told me that i looked so 'cute' or 'adorable' or 'sweet' when i put it on.  i was never beautiful, or glamorous, or sexy.  i wanted, just for one day, to look beautiful.  but the truth was, that just wasn't me.  over time, i accepted that and bought the dress i wanted.  and on my wedding day, i felt like i looked like myself, and my dress fit my personality and our wedding just perfectly.

me in the dress.

however, the issue of cute v. sexy is something i still come back to quite a bit.  i am 28 now, and i am not beautiful, i'm cute.  and you know what?  i'm finally, 100% ok with that.  in fact, i LOVE it.  but in our society, in our american culture, you still have to have the perfect figure to be called beautiful.  remember that lovely girl zooey i was quoting above?  well, a certain word has been coined to describe her - adorkable.  which i absolutely detest, more than anything.  when she walks the red carpet, why isn't she described as gorgeous?  can't a woman be sexy or beautiful even if she isn't willing to be slutty?  no.  she buttons it up and puts on glasses for time to time - which earns her some weird hybrid word between dork and adorable.  pathetic.  and mind you, she's a tiny thing.  but she's secure with who she is, and i love that about her.

work that buttoned up collar, girl!

the truth is, to me, i wish most other celebrities could be more like her or these beautiful ladies below.  i wish everyone could be secure enough to just be themselves and stop trying so hard.  trying so hard to fit into this box that has been created for women, and stop cutting down other women who don't fit inside that box.  it's unhealthy. 

so, on that note, i'd like to share a few other of my girl heroes, besides the fab ms. deschanel.  

adele

'i don't like going to the gym.  i like eating fine foods and drinking nice wine.  even if i had a really good figure, i don't think i'd get my tits and ass out for no one.  i've seen people where it rules their lives, you know, who want to be thinner or have bigger boobs, and how it wears them down.  and i just don't want that in my life.' 

'i like looking nice, but i always put comfort over fashion.  i don't find thin girls attractive; be happy and healthy.  i've never had a problem with the way i look.  i'd rather have lunch with my friends than go to a gym.' 

'no matter what you look like, i think the key is to be happy with yourself.' 

queen latifah

'i had to grow to love my body.  i did not have a good self-image at first. finally it occurred to me, i'm either going to love me or hate me. and i chose to love myself. then everything kind of sprung from there. things that i thought weren't attractive became sexy.  confidence makes you sexy.' 

maya rudolph

'for me, i feel beautiful when i'm just resting.  i think that's when you really get a chance to sink into your own skin.'   

'i don't look my best when i wake up.  but, i do feel beautiful when i'm tired and happy and i've had a good laugh and a glass of champagne.'

gabourey sidibe

'people always ask me, ‘you have so much confidence. where did that come from?’ it came from me. one day i decided that i was beautiful, and so i carried out my life as if i was a beautiful girl … it doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. what matters is what you see. your body is your temple, it’s your home, and you must decorate it.'

amy poehler

'when you feel really  crappy about your body or how you look, sometimes a good way to help yourself out of it is to have some gratitude.  if you can go around your body and kind of thank it for what it gives you and thank yourself for your great eyesight, or your think hair, or your nice legs, or your strong teeth or whatever it is that you have that you were given.'

tina fey

'now every girl is expected to have caucasian blue eyes, full spanish lips., a classic vutton nose, hairless asian skin with a california tan, a jamaican dance hall ass, long swedish legs, small japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of michelle obama, and doll tits.' 

'don't worry about trying to change  opinions.  do your think and don't care if they like it.'

mindy kaling

'since i'm not model-skinny, but also not super-fat and fabulously owning my hugeness, i fall into that nebulous 'normal american woman size' that legions of fashion stylists detest.  for the record, i'm a size 8 (this week, anyway).  many stylists hate that size because , i think, to them, i lack the self-discipline to be an aesthetic, or the sassy, confidence to be a total fatty hedonist.  they're like 'pick a lane.'

[stepping off of soap box].  on that note, i want to say that yes, some women are naturally slender or like being fit, which is wonderful.  i think everyone should be at a healthy place, inside and out.  to me, it's about being happy and healthy however you look. 

hope this is a good way to start your monday long with looking at the best red-carpet looks from last night [which i will also be doing too].

i guess the sun of california really is doing me some good :)

til next time!

awesome flicks.

with philip traveling, i have started a list of movies that i want to watch that he is not interested in.  so, last night, i poured myself a ginormous cup of tea and went through my list til i found a good one.

 i decided on the giant mechanical man. and it was AWESOME.  it made me laugh [and yes, maybe it made me cry a little bit at the end], but it made me feel something.  movies are great entertainment of course, but for me there is no substitute for watching a movie and almost being able to identify with it.  being able to connect with a movie, kind of the way you can connect with a song.  it's fantastic.

so i thought i would share a few other movies that i connect with, for anyone who is interested in some really good movies.

the giant mechanical man

'i think you’re just great. you know what’s so great about you? you’re real. you don’t pretend like you have it all figured out, like everyone else in life. you’re real. you’re genuine and you notice things too. you pay attention, like the monkeys. i don’t know, i look at you and i can see you. i see you. i don’t know, i just think you’re great.'

our idiot brother

'i like to think that if you put your trust out there, i mean if you really give people the benefit of the doubt and see their best intentions, people will rise to the occasion.'

lars & the real girl

gus: well, it's not like you're one thing or the other, okay? there's still a kid inside but you grow up when you decide to do right, okay, and not what's right for you, what's right for everybody, even when it hurts.

lars: okay, like what?

gus: like, you know, like, you don't jerk people around, you know, and you don't cheat on your woman, and you take care of your family, you know, and you admit when you're wrong, or you try to, anyways. that's all i can think of, you know. it sounds like it's easy and for some reason it's not.  

jack goes boating
jack: this always happens.
clyde: what?
jack: whenever there's anything good, it fucks up.
clyde: it fucked up, but it fucked up because we forgot.
jack: no, you fucked it up because you made a fucking toast!
clyde: because i love you. we all love you. we forgot the food because you were being loved. that's the important thing to remember.

500 days of summer

'this is lies. we are liars. think about it. why do people buy cards? it's not because they want to say how they feel. people buy cards because they can't say they feel or are afraid to. and we provide the service that let's them off the hook. you know what? i say to hell with it. let's level with america. or at least let them speak for themselves. right?' 

away we go

'it's all those good things you have in you. the love, the wisdom, the generosity, the selflessness, the patience. the patience! at 3 a.m. when everyone's awake because ibrahim is sick and he can't find the bathroom and he's just puked all over katki's bed. when you blink, when you blink! and it's 5:30 and it's time to get up again and you know you're going to be tired all day, all week, all your fucking life. and you're thinking what happened to greece? What happened to swimming naked off the coast of greece? and you have to be willing to make the family out of whatever you have. ' 

 

high high #32

ever have one of those moments... music is playing, but you aren't really listening to it.  and all of a sudden you are hearing something, for the first time, that just speaks to you.  it sounds just right, and when the lyrics begin it's like the universe is speaking to you [as one of my friends put it]. 

i had one of those moments today, and as a result, discovered an awesome band i am totally in love with.  thanks, pandora-half-moon-radio!

so here is the song that has completely memorized me.  it came on just as i was writing what was a particular emotional few pages of my book, and the words spoke to me.  i would recommend not watching this video because it's stupid, but open it in another tab and just listen to the song.  enjoy :)

here are the words:

go, lovely, go far away
i've set you free
cause i know that we belong
held in arms of the sea

and there's other things
are all on your mind through the day
and it's understood to me
we belong in freedom's way

well, i heard the daylights long
and the seas are slight but the breeze is strong
hope fills my sails, and, and i'm gone
but man, it feels like home

and i know this is all that i've dreamed of
cause i feel like living when the life comes back to me
the sun shines on my face and i feel hope

well i know the blood runs strong in your heart
but it beats harder for the life in you to grow
and you smile cause you know
this is where we belong

***

but just because it's wednesday, and i love you all, here is another awesome avalanche city song.  this video is pretty cute.

10 best things about my life right now.

i've had a request for more '10 best' lists.  i've kind of stayed away from those posts for a while.

but, since it was requested, i came up with a new one... 

*not necessarily in order

homemade tartifilette by yours truly.

1.  i never thought i would actually say this, but the first one that comes to mind is cooking.  i've taken to going to the market every week, with at least 4-5 plans for dinners i will make.  shopping is easy, stress free, and much cheaper than it used to be.  i have plenty of time for meal planning, market hunting and experimenting in the kitchen each night, and i love it.  there is a great feeling that comes with making something new when it turns out wonderful and your husband just can't get enough.  i'm also now treating us to what i call 'the sweet of the week,' which is one baked good i try out for desserts and snacks.  it's getting me less afraid of baking, and so far so yummy.

me, while blogging, today!

2.  i'm sure you've noticed this, but another one is blogging constantly.  i'm able to post something new just about every day - whether it's a new tip, idea, some thoughts i have, photos to share, or just my own ramblings... it's nice that this blog doesn't fall to the wayside anymore as an afterthought.

me + aj hanging out on the T

3.  now that i am out east, i get much more time with my brother and dad [and his wife of course].  i haven't lived in the same state as my dad since i was in high school, and i haven't lived in the same state as my brother since before college [i don't count living in dorms - that's like a whole other world].  as much as i miss my mom, it's magnificent to be able to have sunday dinners with my dad, or call my brother up for happy hour just because.  i love it.

my mani 2 weeks ago.

4.  little things such as taking care of myself kind of took a backseat while i was working, schooling and volunteering.  now, i can give myself a mani if i want.  i am cooking a lot but also eating better, because i have time and don't have to grab a handful of potato chips for dinner as i run to a phone bank.  i have time for yoga and for running - which i love. 

tea + book = happiness.

5.  stress free living.  need i say more?

mustaches with mom.

6.  i am spending so much more time enjoying the little things and simple pleasures of my life.  becoming engrossed a great book.  a hot cup of tea.  my new obsession with the west wing.  emails from friends back home telling me how they are doing.  texts from my travel buddy in budapest.  i relish each little thing i do every day [except laundry].

boston.

7.  even though it is freeeezing out, i am loving exploring the city, our new city.  new restaurants to discover, hidden bars to learn of, learning new highways and shortcuts.  i love it.  it will be even better in a few months when we can venture outside without eight layers of clothing on and a backup plan to get home in case it's too cold to walk.

lofty living space!

8.  as much as i miss our denver cottage, our home, i totally love loft living.  it's always fun to decorate a new space and make it your own, but i especially love that our new space is totally different from our old.  it just makes it different and gives us a new experience.  i love our new apartment.

nyc visits more to see this guy! <3

9.  being out on the east coast means traveling ease.  nyc is just three and a half hours south of us, so it's easy to hit the mass pike when i want to see my family down there.  we are driving up to montreal next weekend - something i've never done before - for my birthday trip, which is going to be phenomenal.  another trip for dc is slotted for april, and now that pi is traveling for work, for the cost of just one airline ticket i can go meet him wherever he is and we can have a weekend together - hence my jetting off to los angeles this weekend!  we are so lucky.

my writing setup each day.

10.  of course, possibly the best of all, is writing again.  i feel so happy, so at peace with myself, to be able to be writing again and working on my book once more.  i feel like things have come full circle for me - when i was in such a dark, depressed place in my life all i wanted to do was write.  but i couldn't, having work and school and other involvements.  and gradually i lost interest in school and just couldn't continue anymore, not having the strength to do so.  and now, here i am years later, the happiest i have ever been, and finally able to concentrate on my work.  it's amazing how life works.




one quick note... none of this is to sound gloat-y or anything.  there are many different ways one could look at my life right now - 28 and just graduated college, unemployed, living alone often while my husband is gone... but i don't have that outlook.  i am in love with my life right now and the opportunities it affords me.  i will not always have this luxury of time, so i am enjoying every moment of it and taking advantage to write my book.

28 thoughts for my 28th year

so, yesterday i turned 28.

if i am being honest, i am in a very good place in my life right now.  but i don't know what challenges or valleys may lie ahead of me.  so i looked through my favorite pinterest board and came up wtih 28 things i want to remember every day of this coming year.  i hope these thoughts help me be a better version of myself and keep positivity in my life in a big way during the big 2-8.

i've done a few of these blog posts before - once in april and once back in june, so you may have seen one or two of these around here.  i hate being lazy with a posting, but some of these are just too good not to be shared.

take notes and enjoy... 

 

*please note that i do not own nor did i create any of these images or quotes.  they have all been taken from pinterest and are meant for inspiration and positive vibes only.