i'm. in. control. [sort of].

today, we took the first step in taking control of our fertility.  meeting with a reproductive endocrinologist, aka a fertility doc to whip my lady parts into shape.

i was super nervous about the appointment, for a few reasons.  our new doctor is a guy, i didn't know what to expect, i didn't know what kind of invasive tests or other procedures he may recommend, i didn't want to talk about the miscarriages, and oh yeah, did i mention our new doctor is a man?  i'm still wrapping my mind around that.

but boy am i glad we gave this guy a shot because he was kind of awesome.  he made us feel very welcome and comfortable, and he brought up all sorts of things we had never heard from our regular ob/gyns.  did you know that irregular periods and excess hair can be related?  i did not.  did you know that there was such a thing as 3D ultrasounds?  i did not.  and i'm sure in the next few weeks we will learn more and more.

for now however, we get to experience medical procedures i didn't even know were possible.  in the next few weeks we'll try out a 3D ultrasound of my uterus, and timed bloodwork according to my cycle [because when they take your blood matters!] and a timed ultrasound.  i'll be tested for hormone levels and early diabetes.  and i'll find out the shape of my uterus, because apparently there are actually different shapes.

so i have to say i am really glad we went.  i feel very positive about these next steps and feel happy that we were able to access these doctors and have the opportunity and advantage to test the reasons for me being a 'habitual aborter,' as i learned the medical name for what my body's been up to.

how cuterus is that uterus?

but really, today made me feel in control, as opposed to yesterday, when i felt out of control.  yesterday i had to do something i had been putting off for a long time.  i had to call my insurance company to argue insurance bills from our miscarriage.

it's not fun, no matter what you're calling about.  you don't want to hear that you owe money, especially if you thought it was already cleared or you don't have the money or you don't want to fight or whatever.  there are times i enjoy a good argument, but it's never with an insurance company rep.  because the sad truth is they always win.  they. always. win.

but the real truth is that i was putting this off because i knew what they were going to tell me.  and sure enough, it was every bit as bad as i thought it was going to be.  that since you've lost your baby, the tests you had were no longer 'prenatal,' or even 'maternity.'  they are 'sick maternity,' because your baby didn't make it.  and i knew that when i asked the questions, i would have to hear those words.  that we have to pay for blood work and second opinions because our baby didn't make it.  our baby didn't make it.

there's nothing like sobbing to the insurance claims customer care representative on the other end of the phone to make you feel like a loser.  and sure, it's adding insult to injury; just after i feel like i'm getting to a really good place after our miscarriage, we get $1000 worth of medical bills.  now, i realize i am very fortunate to have good insurance coverage and that $1000 is nothing compared to what my insurance company paid, and to be totally honest it's not the money that bummed me out.  it was that conversation. 

i couldn't control having another miscarriage.  but i could control this.  in some small part of me, i thought that if i could convince at least our insurance company that the blood work we had and exams i had done in the aftermath should be prenatal, not sick maternity, that maybe i could take it all back in a way.  that maybe i could make it un-happen.  i could control the medical bills, but i couldn't control losing the baby.

that's not totally crazy.  right? 

all right then.  glad we settled that.

and now i feel even more in control of our baby-making destiny as we work with our new doctor and start finding out what the problem is.  

have a happy weekend...!

letting go.

yesterday was a rough, bittersweet kind of day.

not only was it 9/11, which i know brings back nightmarish memories for people all across the globe. i know it does for me. but i buried a friend yesterday.  watching his family mourn was heartbreaking, and i know their grief is beyond words.  the service was very nice and we had the opportunity to sit and listen to his family, siblings get up and share their memories of him, which was kind of wonderful, while we all tried to grapple with the conclusion that this was really happening.  he was 26.

but as in many horrible situations, there was a glimmer of happiness.  there is a happiness, for me, in seeing so many of my classmates.  some people i didn't recognize, some people who looked just like i  remember them, which i loved.  it was so awesome to hear how well some people are doing and where their life path has taken them.

for me, high school was another life.  a lifetime ago which included many people who aren't involved in my life today.  but as i was surrounded by people that i spent an important portion of my life with, i was undoubtedly reminded of the fact that these people will never really not be a part of my life.   

i wasn't a big fan of growing up in a small town.  everyone knew eveyone's business and you couldn't go anywhere at all without seeing someone that you knew.  all i wanted to do was get out and leave the people and place behind.  and i went very far indeed, going as far as eastern europe to try to find the truth of my life.  and after years away, when my life path took me back home along with my husband, i didn't have any plans on integrating my past life with my new awesome one.  but just a few week in to being home, a good friend from high school died (yes, another one, this was 3 years ago), and i was thrust back into my high school world.  to put it lightly and briefly, i didn't handle it well.  and this time, i was actually able to enjoy my high school friends company and look back with a smile, somewhat, on my high school life.

but as i slide back from my past life into my current one, i can't help but wonder: how do we integrate  our past lives into our present one?

all these people - an old best friend i've grown apart from, a high school sweetheart, an older friend who got me through my first two years of high school, a boy who i spent a brief amount of time with but who dared to share his soul... while they may not have big parts in my life now, they will always have places in my heart.  and i am finally at a place where i can look back with a smile, and let go of past angers and heartbreaks. 

they don't all fit in to my life now, no.  but they are part of who i am, and many of them helped shape the person that i became, and i carry that with me always. 

just in time for my 10 year high school reunion.

high high #23

TGFHH.

thank god for happy hours. with your best girlfriends.

after a rough couple of days, there's nothing quite like talking your problems out with your girlfriend. at happy hour.  over $2 tecates.

especially when you are reminiscing over a high school friend who just passed away.

it's the simple pleasures...

wolves

hi all. i hate to say it, but i need to get into some personal (and depressing) stuff today.

i woke up this morning to the heartbreaking news that a friend of mine from high school passed away.  out of respect i won't go into who or how or why, but no matter the means, that is the end.

but it got me thinking about bullying and judgment of others. i've seen bullying throughout my life, as everyone else has.  and i have been in both sides of it as well.  but as we get older, bullying takes on different, more complicated and evil forms.  it's not just about making fun of someone's old used backpack, or bad haircut, or whatever kids target.  it becomes about judging people's choices and labeling them, sometimes even writing them off completely.  and the fact of the matter is that  (yes, i know this is cliche) it's impossible to know why people make some of the choices they make.  it's been a journey of life lessons as well as education that i have learned this.  it's easy to judge the homeless person on the corner, asking for money.  it's easy to pass by and not give up the other half of your sandwich or the extra $5 in your wallet.  but how did they get there?  sure, in some cases it could be bad choices - but what led them to those choices?  what past hurt or pain led them to make those choices?

everyone has as path.  i believe that the major points are laid out for you, how you get to those points are up to you. i believe there are some people who aren't meant to be a part of your journey, or perhaps just play a small part.  and those intersecting paths  may be cut off in clean. breaks or rough, jagged, painful edges.  but i guess what i am trying to say is that we should never judge someone else's path.  there are people that are only supposed to have in our lives for a short time, and after that, our paths lead in diffent directions.  they are not for us to judge, just for us to accept and move on.

that's about it for me today.  pretty much listening to this song on repeat today, so enjoy.  and please be nice.

til next time... xoxo